Sexual

I was thinking about sex (I tend to get distracted by this a lot because sex and the male anatomy are both such a huge mystery to me) and I started to actually have feelings and desires. I immediately scolded myself, "you are so evil!" And then I thought, wait, I don't think anyone else is evil, even my friends that have sex (even those who have it out of wedlock). Sex isn't evil! I am not evil! These feelings, thoughts, desires, they are all natural, they are even spiritual and divine. Unless man just started making up the divine aspect of sex as an excuse to have it more often, I think we are supposed to have these feelings and wantings. As far as I can discern, we are taught that our sexuality makes us divine. These emotions and connections are one of the most spiritual aspects of marriage. I'm thinking, even though it feels blasphemous, that according to the doctrines of our relationship with G-d, even our Father in Heaven has sexual feelings. Even Christ had them on earth!!

So we are sent to earth to become like our Father in Heaven. We are asked to learn self control so that we can be in command of our godliness, and apparently our sexuality is an important part of this since we have so many rules regarding its restraint and usage. I'm not sure why we have all these regulations- I guess it is like our other strengths. We are given great power that can be used to destroy and hurt one another, but instead we are instructed to love and be kind at the expense of everything else.

Still, it makes me question homosexuality. It doesn't seem like G-d would just accept that if we are sent to earth and subject to nature some 10% of man will organically be born gay if it is in opposition to our divine nature. If sex and our sexual desires continue into the next life and are indeed part of our godly nature then homosexual attraction must be as well. Since He has to obey the rules of nature did G-d just say, "I sacrifice a tith of you in order for the rest of man to have the necessary sexual drive to become divine?" I can't see Him doing that. So I guess the question is, is sexuality a natural drive that is necessary so we procreate, which is our divine purpose? Or, is sexuality in and of itself divine, in which case it seems as though all sexuality should be divine? Are we given the law of chastity so that we can create stable families- in which case homosexuals should also be expected to hold those standards and be with one life partner and adopt children or use invitro techniques? Or, against all common sense and reason, do we have earthly attributes that we must overcome to become divinity? This doesn't make sense if sexuality is divine, because then 90% of man would not have to overcome their desires for celestial glory.

I can understand if we have earthly laws to govern our sexuality. That makes sense because we need to gain control over our bodies and certain behaviors enhance family solidarity. I can understand (if gay marriage is indeed ok and only not revealed as of yet because church members are human, dumb, and not ready for truth) that we are all expected to keep these laws and demonstrate our yearning to serve our Father by showing our obedience. We sacrifice our desires to have sex with whoever, whenever for our spiritual progression. What I can't see, is if sexuality is eternal and divine how only one type can be right. Unless we have been blindfolded by the world and homosexuality is just a thing of nature and those desires will change after we lose our earthly bodies (which will make all the women who die single very happy in the next life because all the amazing gay men will suddenly be straight and they can all marry each other) :P

If sexual desires are only earthly, then I can understand that some of us are lucky enough to have natural desires that can be fulfilled within G-d's commandments (I mean we can't have sex whenever we desire it, but we can be fulfilled with a spouse we are attracted to should we find one), while some are challenged to follow G-d at the expense of their earthly bodies. Then once we get to Heaven we will all be asexual so it won't matter.

I guess the bottom line is we don't really know- which is why we all struggle and blog. I also think this is why we are told not to judge, for how can we judge when we don't understand eternity and when so much has not been reveled? We all must decide for ourselves which gambles we want to take, which desires we want to fulfill, what paths we want to choose, what consequences we are willing to accept. We each have to examine what our Heavenly Father is asking us to do and decide if we are going to do that. We have personal revelation for a reason. If it was a blanket truth for all mankind we wouldn't be asked to communicate with G-d on our own.

I’m Back!

For personal reasons last week I deleted my blog, but I'm happy to be returning to the blog-o-sphere now. Thanks to someone very, very dear to me I'm done with constantly being the victim. I am finished being selfish and prideful to the point that I think everyone's actions are about me and everyone's sins are my fault. I was so conceited I believed that I was worth less than everyone else and hated more than anyone else. It was all or nothing to the point that if someone was special, I was useless, and if I was not everything, I was a nonentity. Well F* that! The only thing I was being a victim of was of my own thoughts and I was so concerned with my self-inflicted pain I didn't realize I was hurting others. I'm sorry that I need to be forced to stop injuring myself when I'm so obstinate I insist on walking on a bleeding and smashed toe. Thank you. I will not be so selfish I destroy others.

Oh- and I'm strong too :)

So two really great songs that I found and that I think say so much coupled together:

Crying

Well, on the bright side, shattering has encouraged me to pick up my scriptures for the first time in a very long while. There is an undeniable peace that comes from the Savior and I can feel His spirit as I read the words I so often neglect.

I am not going to give up or fall backwards. I am going to keep working, feeling, and trying. I don't want to take this path without the person who helped me start it.

I work so hard to make the right choices and then I second guess myself. I am imperfect. I am torn between feeling the self love and approval I've been striving to learn and staying in this fetal position, tears streaking down my face, because I know I've messed up and not been the person I've wanted to be.

Deeper and deeper it is as if I am trapped in the Heart of Darkness.

Maybe there is a medium- I did mess up, I am imperfect, but my intentions are good. I am trying. I am struggling to make the right choices.

And as hard as I try I still got angry and I felt justified. Can everything break because for once you are angry?

"Falling Slowly" from Once over and over again.

Two Steps Back

I always think I've made more progress than I actually have. I was trying to figure out why I push so hard and why I break so easily when it comes to my best friend. I'm not like that with my other best friends, I've never been. I realize that I expect more from him and that is not fair. I'm going through my first real heartbreak- I let myself get closer to him than I've ever been to anyone and so I expect him to have the same attachment to me. That was never the deal. He never agreed to it. I should never demand it. And it is ok, even wonderful, to be intimate and share everything, but we are not a couple, we are not exclusive. We each should have more than the other person in our lives- we each need more than the other person. I can't expect him to be my husband and I have been and I'm sorry.

From the beginning he has advised, compelled, and pleaded with me to love myself. If I can really achieve this self love his love for me won't be my lifeline. It can't be. It's not healthy. It's not fair to either of us. I need to find other things in my life- it won't mean losing my best friend or loving him less, it will mean spreading my wings so I can fly without him. It will mean hurting him less because he won't be the only one holding me. And it won't mean that we won't ever need or help each other, just not all the time. Just not solely.

I need to let go. I need to enjoy more and expect less. I need to love. I need to accept and not overanalyze. I need to let things be. I need to listen and learn. I need to get hurt and grow. I need to be happy and realize I deserve that happiness. I need to accept that my best friend does love me. I need to have many important things in my life. I need to be ok with the fact that I will have to get as close, ever closer, to another boy as I am to my best friend. I need to realize that this summer won't be like last summer and that is ok. Change is ok. Maybe even good :P

Yesterday I watched Snow Falling on Cedars and the post I wrote seems to fit perfectly with today's revelation. So I will just add it here.

"Accident rules every corner of the universe, except, maybe, the chambers of the human heart" (Snow Falling on Cedars). Loving someone is never an accident. This movie made me realize that even if it causing us pain, or our lover pain, there is a point, a purpose, and a truth in love. There is growth, beauty, and peace in all forms of love. And in letting love go. It doesn't mean that the love was insignificant, wrong, or an accident. It just was, and something good came of it, love always creates greatness. And then it will change, end, grow, but the beauty of the love that was won't ever leave. There is always a purpose in love. Serendipity just realized this too.

The Lord’s Love

(This post is from Mon night)

I had a long talk with my roommate tonight about love, the Gospel, and homosexuality. She was raised in a conservative Southern Mormon home, her grandfather kept a gun in case any rapid dogs or homosexuals wondered onto his property. Over the past few months several of her good friends have come out to her and she mentioned that through their struggles she is learning to be empathetic, as opposed to judgmental and apathetic.

I have always been too empathetic. I become encased in the pain others feel- I couldn't even handle the Disney movie Finding Nemo because Nemo's dad suffered through the whole movie. I tried to leave the Church, to forget my testimony, so that the people I love would not have to endure such agony. If the Church wasn't true my best friend could fully embrace his homosexuality without ever facing any repercussions- all Mormon homosexuals could find love because there would be no Church doctrine to discourage or contradict them. But I can't lose my testimony in hopes that it will ease the torture of others. I have to love myself as much as I love everyone else and I have to make choices that are right for me. I cannot leave the Church because I don't want anyone else to suffer for their sins.

We also talked about accountability and how each of us will be judged according to our true testimony and our honest efforts weighed against our personal trials. It is much easier for a straight, Latter-Day Saint, who finds a perfect spouse, to keep certain commandments than for a homosexual, a single adult, or an unhappily married person to. For a gay Mormon there is often no option for marriage. It is easier to stay active in a Church where you are the celebrated norm as opposed to the "evil," pushed aside, ignored, and judged minority. When I am depressed and in too much pain to cope I cut myself, will my mom's emotional and verbal abuse and my molestation counter my sin of self abuse? I think so. I don't think the Lord will punish me for doing the only thing that keeps me sane and alive. He will not condone it though, so I fight to stop the cutting.

My roommate also mentioned that the Lord won't deny someone else celestial glory based on our own weaknesses. If my best friend chooses to leave the Church (which would be an easier decision if he was in love with me and we got married), the Lord won't hold him accountable for his choices based on my imperfections (ie if he leaves the church because he's not in love with me because I'm not pretty enough or perfect enough or stable enough- it won't be either of our faults he's not in love with me). And on the reverse of that- I will NOT be responsible for any of my best friend's actions. And I have faith in him and I know he will make choices that are right for him, as he has always done. He turns the car around when it is going in the wrong direction. He sees the light before he jumps off the balcony. I don't know whether finding his "angel" and getting married in the Temple or leaving the church and meeting a wonderful man is the best path for him, but he will figure it out. And each time I try to take away his pain or fix his life I am stealing his chances for growth and eternal progression.

I need to find faith in the next world. It has always been a foreign concept for me and I've been willing and able to follow all the commandments based on earthly happiness, without thinking of an afterlife, until now. Now there are commandments that don't make sense and suffering that seems uncalled for. I need to believe in something beyond this life so that I can continue to believe in the Church. With eternal salvation and glory in front of us, our agony gains purpose and perspective. Our pain is reconciled. We are blessed here and eternally for our faith and the sacrifices we make to follow the commandments. And yes, this also means retribution for sins, but if I can believe in an afterlife I know the forgiveness, peace, and love will be greater than the temporary hell of repentance.

“It’s a Step in the Right Direction After All”

(I wrote this Sat or Sunday, I just didn't have internet access to post it)

Every night I pray for my best friend and some nights that is the only thing I have the strength or desire to pray for. Generally I ask the Lord to comfort and assistant him and I ask to be able to help him in every way possible. Last night I as I was about to solicit, "please let me be everything that my best friend needs," I was struck by the ridiculousness of my own words. I promptly changed my prayer, "please let him be everything he needs."

I love my best friend so much, but the only way for him to be truly happy and filled with love is if he is creating it himself. I'm learning that I can't be the one to save him and if I really want him to have joy and peace I need to pray for him, not pray for myself to give it to him. With the Lord's help he can create it in his own life. I can't force it on him- I can't bring it to him or create it for him. Loving him doesn't mean being the one that will make everything better.

*quote from Bedknobs and Broomsticks

Sex, Drugs, Jealousy, Anger

I am so jealous of people that have sex (the unmarried Mormon ones). I am envious of the BYU students who are screwing around and drinking and doing drugs. I wish I could be a rule breaker. I don't even think I am a good Latter-Day Saint so much as I am terrified of breaking rules. When I was at BYU I broke the honor code by burning candles in my dorm room on campus. Wow- big rebel. I have too many issues from being molested to just run off and have sex, but why can't I get drunk? I am over twenty-one and I was at a club with alcohol. I have stayed in many houses with alcohol. It would cure me from ever hurting, from ever feeling anything. But I can't. When I was in Israel I had a glass of wine placed in front of me at every Sabbath dinner- but I never took a sip. I am a coward. Something in me is too scared to break rules. Ever. I am a green-eyed monster towards the fearless- the ones who know what they want, who follow their bodies, who break rules.

It is very hard for me to be angry with another person. It's an emotion I can't handle. I usually channel resentment into something much more self- destructive, like pain or rejection. I went dancing with my best friend and one of his other good friends and I was jealous of his relationship with her. I wanted to be the one. I wanted to be special. I wanted to be his best friend. I wanted to be loved more. And I was actually angry with my best friend. I didn't want to cut and I didn't hate myself. I was angry at him for choosing someone over me (which is ridiculous because I know he can love 500 other people and still love me- but my heart isn't as logical as my brain). Then he commented on my dancing- that I was doing really well but needed to break even further out of my shell. There was nothing judgmental, hateful, or even critical in his comments. My best friend was encouraging me to progress even further. I fell apart. I started to cry. I wanted to crawl into corner and disappear. I became so self-conscious about my perceived failure that I couldn't dance the rest of the night. I felt like an idiot every time I moved. But the strange thing is that I no longer felt angry. Suddenly it seemed right- of course he would choose her, look how much better she is. I could never compare to her.

So I guess the anger was a good thing (I mean I had no reason to be upset- he has the right to love any and everyone more than me, and I was probably over reacting anyway), but I was irritated my best friend would pick someone I felt equal to over me. For a moment I had felt just as important, perfect, and just as good (even better) a friend than she could be. I didn't think he had a reason to love her more than he loved me. But it was fleeting.

I don't know how I'm going to be able to dance again. And I'm in awe of people that take drugs and have sex.