Out

I'm glad there is a blog world for support, sharing, venting, crying, confusion. I can't help but think that if individuals truly found peace in their lives they would no longer need to blog to such heart wrenching extent. There seems to be so much pain, mask of pain, and temporary release of pain throughout the thousands of posts on all the many MoHo, MoHo spouse, and MoHo supporter blogs. I don't see conclusion, solution, acceptance, peace.

Perhaps it can't come when riding the fence between two worlds and trying to force them together. I'm not saying a person can't be Mormon and gay and happy, but I think there must be a concession of one half. I FULLY believe that people can be gay and spiritual, loved of G-d, living wonderful lives believing in religion as it feels right to them. I just don't see how one can try to live two lives and have any peace in it.

While I still believe that each person is the only one who can say what is right for his or her particular life, and I will not become judgmental of those who do their best to find a middle ground, I think that more than anything these blogs testify of everything except peace of mind, peace of body, peace of conscience, and peace with self. Without those, especially without peace of self, I wonder how anyone can truly find peace with G-d.

I don't believe G-d hates gays and I don't believe He expects homosexuals to sacrifice what heterosexuals are never asked to sacrifice. I think that people grow and become Christlike when they are in romantic relationships- they learn to sacrifice and love in ways that extend past the love of friendship. Connections that are spiritual, physical, attraction based, and emotional generate a unique, wonderful, and deep type of love. I believe true growth and godliness can come from honesty with self and honest, committed, and romantically in love relationships. When people are in love in all ways, including physically, they can grow, love, and give in more ways than they do for friends, non-romantic soul mates, and families. Love for a romantic partner is amazing and unique and everyone can grow Christlike through that, even more than by loving the way the Church tells homosexuals to love (heterosexually).

Giving up everything that you know, everything that you have ever wanted, everything that you've ever been told was right, everything that has ever mattered to you- in order to find a love that is on every level and in order to be honest, fully honest and true, to yourself, is of a loving Creator. It is of G-d. It is more fair to everyone.

There is importance in marriage- that type of love, connection, and sacrifice can teach us to be more like Christ, more like G-d, just as being parents does. But I honestly believe that for homosexual individuals to have that connection and relationship that is talked about as so important, they need to have it with another person of the same sex. Marriage is amazing and important- but the full scope of those relationships and the growth and joy possible through them is gained, in part, by a physical attraction, connection, and desire. I think that marriage is so important and so talked about because the love that is on every level (including physical attraction) is one of the greatest, most unique, deepest, and amazing types of love with have on this planet. That type of love is found through honesty with self and spouse- it is found in hetero marriages (unions, partnerships) for heteros and gay marriages (or unions, partnerships) for gays.

Winding

Several months ago I wrote a post that I never published. It spoke strongly of the Church being the one and final truth, the spiritual truth that needed to be followed instead of the earthly truth of sexuality. I unabashedly sanctioned mixed orientation marriage as an important part of life and a higher and better choice than homosexual relationships. In the early fall of 2008, in the fall of 2009, and early 2010 I believed in the Church as the only way, with full support and understanding of mixed orientation marriages and of sacrificing the natural man. I don't think I believe that anymore. Maybe I never really did believe it. In June 2009 I was in the place I currently stand. It has been a winding, winding road.

I don't know where I am in my testimony. I KNOW that I do not believe in any form of hate or suppression of choice. My therapist told me that where much is given much is required. The Lord, our Savior, had to sacrifice everything, but He was given a divinity and perfection that none of us have. The Prophet Joseph Smith gave up his life, but he was pre-ordained and prepared for such trials and sacrifices. He SAW the Lord and the Father. Angel Moroni CAME to him. I was given a desire for males, so why shouldn't I be expected to strive for a marriage with a man- something that I can have in a Temple because current law allows hetero marriages in the Temple. Not everyone has been given the ability to be in love with, desire, and adore the opposite sex. BUT- everyone (I believe) has been given the ability and desire to LOVE. Despite what the Church upheld for years, there is no right pigmentation in skin. There is no skin color that makes one person more worthy than the next person.

I also KNOW that homosexuality is not a path, choice, or process. The only difference between homosexuality and heterosexuality is if people are attracted to those of the same sex or the opposite sex. Homosexuality is not like alcoholism, pornography, or pedophilia. It is natural, hormonal, and maybe even hereditary. It is whatever heterosexuality is. I KNOW this. I cannot choose to be a lesbian any more than I can choose to have brown eyes (mine are blue). Sure I could date girls and have sex with them- I can also get brown contacts. But the contacts won't change the fact that my eyes are blue anymore than dating a girl would change the fact that I like boys.

If some random bishop from North Carolina called me to tell me he received revelation for me I would tell him he does not have the authority to receive revelation for me. I cannot receive revelation for anyone else. I don't know why I thought I could- why I thought I could say, "I know this is the correct path for everyone, regardless of their circumstances."

So that is what I am here to say- I don't know what is right for anyone else. I don't know what it is like to be gay and Mormon- or gay and raised Mormon. I do know what it is like to give up everything that your family cherishes, everything that you have ever loved and cherished. Everything that has made you, you. Judaism was my whole life and identity. I loved it with all of my being- I was deciding if I could better serve my religion, faith, and heritage by becoming Orthodox (Chabad actually) or by remaining Reform and becoming a Rabbi (Orthodox women can't be Rabbis or I would have done both). Then I discovered the Church. I knew that the Gospel was true and that Christ was the Savior. I knew that for MYSELF I needed to join the Church. I turned my back on everything I had known and I accepted Christ, something that I had spent 18 years believing was idolatry (to believe in something besides Adoni, one G-d). Sometimes I still wonder if I have turned my back on G-d by believing in the Savior. I hurt my family and made them angry. I felt like I turned my back on my heritage and all my relatives. I felt like I turned my back on my people. But I still know that it was the right choice for ME.

I don't know what all the eternal truths are. I do know that the Lord loves all His children, no exceptions. I know He made those who are homosexual and those who are heterosexual- there is no flaw in one anymore than in the other. I know that hate, anger, and offense come from Satan. I know that love, understanding, acceptance, and happiness come from G-d. If being in the Church causes hate, anger, and offense then I can't believe that is right. G-d never wants us to hate ourselves. EVER. He wants us to love to the best and fullest of our ability. He wants us to help others in the capacity that we have been given. I truly believe that what is right is what brings people to love themselves and others. What is right is whatever makes a person fill up their own well and then give to those who are thirsty. For some, being in the Church evaporates their wells. It causes hate and bitterness towards oneself and towards others.

I fully support those who leave the Church to find happiness in homosexual relationships, those who leave the oppression and hatred so they can love and accept themselves. If someone can't love themselves and believe in the Church, how is it from G-d? No one should ever hate themselves for something they naturally are. I know, because I use to hate myself for having any sexual desires. I support those who have been married for ten or twenty years and choose to leave an opposite sex spouse to find true peace, happiness, and fulfillment. Perhaps the best way for some to honor their wedding vows is to allow a separation so both spouses can find true and deep love and mutual attraction. For some the best and only way to love themselves and others is to be in a loving and committed homosexual relationship where they give and receive a mutual love.

I also support those who choose the Church. I do not think that choosing the Church over acting on sexuality is letting anyone down anymore than me getting baptized was letting down the six million Jews killed in the Holocaust. I support those who leave a same sex partner they have been with six months or forty years if for them greater peace and happiness comes through the Church. I support those who do find honest and true peace, love, and acceptance in a marriage with someone who is only a best friend and partner.

Staying in the Church for the benefit of another person or because of peer pressure, just like leaving the Church because of pressure or for the benefit of another person or group, is being false. I think each person needs to find their own path, and I don't think that it is the same path for anyone. Being on a path that leads to misery, hate, and creating a false identity is not of G-d. It doesn't matter what path is causing those things- it is not a path of G-d. Love for self and love for others is G-d's path. I honestly believe that for some the path of greatest peace, happiness, and self love and acceptance is following the Gospel and staying in the Church. For others the path that leads to peace, happiness, and self love and acceptance is leaving the Church. I don't think there is one right way or answer. We have agency so we can find our own way to G-d. Believing G-d hates us because of who we naturally are (hetero or homosexual) is not finding G-d. I think we have personal revelation and prayer so that we can each find our own way. If the Lord wanted us all to do the same thing we would not need prayer or agency. We would not be individual people with different passions, feelings, needs, desires. We would be uniform.

I support those who leave and those who stay because I believe what is right is different for each person. I honestly believe that leaving the Church can be as right as staying in it or coming back to it. It is different for each person, maybe different at different points in each person's life. We each have a conscience because what is right for each of us is different. But I do believe that love for self and others and happiness is what is eternally and spiritually right- what brings that about for each person is different.

I am willing to stand up before G-d at the last day and stand by this. I am willing to stand up and stand by every person that has done their best to find the path in life that brings them the greatest amount of true hope and love, not a false hope or fake love coerced by indoctrination, fear, or pressure. For some this will be turning their back on their heritage and the truths they have always known and believed so they can be honest with themselves and in a loving relationship. For others it will be turning their back on their natural and true sexuality to follow a path they feel peace and love on. Each person is the only one that knows what the right path is. It is the path that leads to real and true love for self and others. And for each person that path is different.

 

Sexual

I was thinking about sex (I tend to get distracted by this a lot because sex and the male anatomy are both such a huge mystery to me) and I started to actually have feelings and desires. I immediately scolded myself, "you are so evil!" And then I thought, wait, I don't think anyone else is evil, even my friends that have sex (even those who have it out of wedlock). Sex isn't evil! I am not evil! These feelings, thoughts, desires, they are all natural, they are even spiritual and divine. Unless man just started making up the divine aspect of sex as an excuse to have it more often, I think we are supposed to have these feelings and wantings. As far as I can discern, we are taught that our sexuality makes us divine. These emotions and connections are one of the most spiritual aspects of marriage. I'm thinking, even though it feels blasphemous, that according to the doctrines of our relationship with G-d, even our Father in Heaven has sexual feelings. Even Christ had them on earth!!

So we are sent to earth to become like our Father in Heaven. We are asked to learn self control so that we can be in command of our godliness, and apparently our sexuality is an important part of this since we have so many rules regarding its restraint and usage. I'm not sure why we have all these regulations- I guess it is like our other strengths. We are given great power that can be used to destroy and hurt one another, but instead we are instructed to love and be kind at the expense of everything else.

Still, it makes me question homosexuality. It doesn't seem like G-d would just accept that if we are sent to earth and subject to nature some 10% of man will organically be born gay if it is in opposition to our divine nature. If sex and our sexual desires continue into the next life and are indeed part of our godly nature then homosexual attraction must be as well. Since He has to obey the rules of nature did G-d just say, "I sacrifice a tith of you in order for the rest of man to have the necessary sexual drive to become divine?" I can't see Him doing that. So I guess the question is, is sexuality a natural drive that is necessary so we procreate, which is our divine purpose? Or, is sexuality in and of itself divine, in which case it seems as though all sexuality should be divine? Are we given the law of chastity so that we can create stable families- in which case homosexuals should also be expected to hold those standards and be with one life partner and adopt children or use invitro techniques? Or, against all common sense and reason, do we have earthly attributes that we must overcome to become divinity? This doesn't make sense if sexuality is divine, because then 90% of man would not have to overcome their desires for celestial glory.

I can understand if we have earthly laws to govern our sexuality. That makes sense because we need to gain control over our bodies and certain behaviors enhance family solidarity. I can understand (if gay marriage is indeed ok and only not revealed as of yet because church members are human, dumb, and not ready for truth) that we are all expected to keep these laws and demonstrate our yearning to serve our Father by showing our obedience. We sacrifice our desires to have sex with whoever, whenever for our spiritual progression. What I can't see, is if sexuality is eternal and divine how only one type can be right. Unless we have been blindfolded by the world and homosexuality is just a thing of nature and those desires will change after we lose our earthly bodies (which will make all the women who die single very happy in the next life because all the amazing gay men will suddenly be straight and they can all marry each other) :P

If sexual desires are only earthly, then I can understand that some of us are lucky enough to have natural desires that can be fulfilled within G-d's commandments (I mean we can't have sex whenever we desire it, but we can be fulfilled with a spouse we are attracted to should we find one), while some are challenged to follow G-d at the expense of their earthly bodies. Then once we get to Heaven we will all be asexual so it won't matter.

I guess the bottom line is we don't really know- which is why we all struggle and blog. I also think this is why we are told not to judge, for how can we judge when we don't understand eternity and when so much has not been reveled? We all must decide for ourselves which gambles we want to take, which desires we want to fulfill, what paths we want to choose, what consequences we are willing to accept. We each have to examine what our Heavenly Father is asking us to do and decide if we are going to do that. We have personal revelation for a reason. If it was a blanket truth for all mankind we wouldn't be asked to communicate with G-d on our own.

I’m Back!

For personal reasons last week I deleted my blog, but I'm happy to be returning to the blog-o-sphere now. Thanks to someone very, very dear to me I'm done with constantly being the victim. I am finished being selfish and prideful to the point that I think everyone's actions are about me and everyone's sins are my fault. I was so conceited I believed that I was worth less than everyone else and hated more than anyone else. It was all or nothing to the point that if someone was special, I was useless, and if I was not everything, I was a nonentity. Well F* that! The only thing I was being a victim of was of my own thoughts and I was so concerned with my self-inflicted pain I didn't realize I was hurting others. I'm sorry that I need to be forced to stop injuring myself when I'm so obstinate I insist on walking on a bleeding and smashed toe. Thank you. I will not be so selfish I destroy others.

Oh- and I'm strong too :)

So two really great songs that I found and that I think say so much coupled together:

Crying

Well, on the bright side, shattering has encouraged me to pick up my scriptures for the first time in a very long while. There is an undeniable peace that comes from the Savior and I can feel His spirit as I read the words I so often neglect.

I am not going to give up or fall backwards. I am going to keep working, feeling, and trying. I don't want to take this path without the person who helped me start it.

I work so hard to make the right choices and then I second guess myself. I am imperfect. I am torn between feeling the self love and approval I've been striving to learn and staying in this fetal position, tears streaking down my face, because I know I've messed up and not been the person I've wanted to be.

Deeper and deeper it is as if I am trapped in the Heart of Darkness.

Maybe there is a medium- I did mess up, I am imperfect, but my intentions are good. I am trying. I am struggling to make the right choices.

And as hard as I try I still got angry and I felt justified. Can everything break because for once you are angry?

"Falling Slowly" from Once over and over again.

Two Steps Back

I always think I've made more progress than I actually have. I was trying to figure out why I push so hard and why I break so easily when it comes to my best friend. I'm not like that with my other best friends, I've never been. I realize that I expect more from him and that is not fair. I'm going through my first real heartbreak- I let myself get closer to him than I've ever been to anyone and so I expect him to have the same attachment to me. That was never the deal. He never agreed to it. I should never demand it. And it is ok, even wonderful, to be intimate and share everything, but we are not a couple, we are not exclusive. We each should have more than the other person in our lives- we each need more than the other person. I can't expect him to be my husband and I have been and I'm sorry.

From the beginning he has advised, compelled, and pleaded with me to love myself. If I can really achieve this self love his love for me won't be my lifeline. It can't be. It's not healthy. It's not fair to either of us. I need to find other things in my life- it won't mean losing my best friend or loving him less, it will mean spreading my wings so I can fly without him. It will mean hurting him less because he won't be the only one holding me. And it won't mean that we won't ever need or help each other, just not all the time. Just not solely.

I need to let go. I need to enjoy more and expect less. I need to love. I need to accept and not overanalyze. I need to let things be. I need to listen and learn. I need to get hurt and grow. I need to be happy and realize I deserve that happiness. I need to accept that my best friend does love me. I need to have many important things in my life. I need to be ok with the fact that I will have to get as close, ever closer, to another boy as I am to my best friend. I need to realize that this summer won't be like last summer and that is ok. Change is ok. Maybe even good :P

Yesterday I watched Snow Falling on Cedars and the post I wrote seems to fit perfectly with today's revelation. So I will just add it here.

"Accident rules every corner of the universe, except, maybe, the chambers of the human heart" (Snow Falling on Cedars). Loving someone is never an accident. This movie made me realize that even if it causing us pain, or our lover pain, there is a point, a purpose, and a truth in love. There is growth, beauty, and peace in all forms of love. And in letting love go. It doesn't mean that the love was insignificant, wrong, or an accident. It just was, and something good came of it, love always creates greatness. And then it will change, end, grow, but the beauty of the love that was won't ever leave. There is always a purpose in love. Serendipity just realized this too.

The Lord’s Love

(This post is from Mon night)

I had a long talk with my roommate tonight about love, the Gospel, and homosexuality. She was raised in a conservative Southern Mormon home, her grandfather kept a gun in case any rapid dogs or homosexuals wondered onto his property. Over the past few months several of her good friends have come out to her and she mentioned that through their struggles she is learning to be empathetic, as opposed to judgmental and apathetic.

I have always been too empathetic. I become encased in the pain others feel- I couldn't even handle the Disney movie Finding Nemo because Nemo's dad suffered through the whole movie. I tried to leave the Church, to forget my testimony, so that the people I love would not have to endure such agony. If the Church wasn't true my best friend could fully embrace his homosexuality without ever facing any repercussions- all Mormon homosexuals could find love because there would be no Church doctrine to discourage or contradict them. But I can't lose my testimony in hopes that it will ease the torture of others. I have to love myself as much as I love everyone else and I have to make choices that are right for me. I cannot leave the Church because I don't want anyone else to suffer for their sins.

We also talked about accountability and how each of us will be judged according to our true testimony and our honest efforts weighed against our personal trials. It is much easier for a straight, Latter-Day Saint, who finds a perfect spouse, to keep certain commandments than for a homosexual, a single adult, or an unhappily married person to. For a gay Mormon there is often no option for marriage. It is easier to stay active in a Church where you are the celebrated norm as opposed to the "evil," pushed aside, ignored, and judged minority. When I am depressed and in too much pain to cope I cut myself, will my mom's emotional and verbal abuse and my molestation counter my sin of self abuse? I think so. I don't think the Lord will punish me for doing the only thing that keeps me sane and alive. He will not condone it though, so I fight to stop the cutting.

My roommate also mentioned that the Lord won't deny someone else celestial glory based on our own weaknesses. If my best friend chooses to leave the Church (which would be an easier decision if he was in love with me and we got married), the Lord won't hold him accountable for his choices based on my imperfections (ie if he leaves the church because he's not in love with me because I'm not pretty enough or perfect enough or stable enough- it won't be either of our faults he's not in love with me). And on the reverse of that- I will NOT be responsible for any of my best friend's actions. And I have faith in him and I know he will make choices that are right for him, as he has always done. He turns the car around when it is going in the wrong direction. He sees the light before he jumps off the balcony. I don't know whether finding his "angel" and getting married in the Temple or leaving the church and meeting a wonderful man is the best path for him, but he will figure it out. And each time I try to take away his pain or fix his life I am stealing his chances for growth and eternal progression.

I need to find faith in the next world. It has always been a foreign concept for me and I've been willing and able to follow all the commandments based on earthly happiness, without thinking of an afterlife, until now. Now there are commandments that don't make sense and suffering that seems uncalled for. I need to believe in something beyond this life so that I can continue to believe in the Church. With eternal salvation and glory in front of us, our agony gains purpose and perspective. Our pain is reconciled. We are blessed here and eternally for our faith and the sacrifices we make to follow the commandments. And yes, this also means retribution for sins, but if I can believe in an afterlife I know the forgiveness, peace, and love will be greater than the temporary hell of repentance.