Several months ago I wrote a post that I never published. It spoke strongly of the Church being the one and final truth, the spiritual truth that needed to be followed instead of the earthly truth of sexuality. I unabashedly sanctioned mixed orientation marriage as an important part of life and a higher and better choice than homosexual relationships. In the early fall of 2008, in the fall of 2009, and early 2010 I believed in the Church as the only way, with full support and understanding of mixed orientation marriages and of sacrificing the natural man. I don't think I believe that anymore. Maybe I never really did believe it. In June 2009 I was in the place I currently stand. It has been a winding, winding road.
I don't know where I am in my testimony. I KNOW that I do not believe in any form of hate or suppression of choice. My therapist told me that where much is given much is required. The Lord, our Savior, had to sacrifice everything, but He was given a divinity and perfection that none of us have. The Prophet Joseph Smith gave up his life, but he was pre-ordained and prepared for such trials and sacrifices. He SAW the Lord and the Father. Angel Moroni CAME to him. I was given a desire for males, so why shouldn't I be expected to strive for a marriage with a man- something that I can have in a Temple because current law allows hetero marriages in the Temple. Not everyone has been given the ability to be in love with, desire, and adore the opposite sex. BUT- everyone (I believe) has been given the ability and desire to LOVE. Despite what the Church upheld for years, there is no right pigmentation in skin. There is no skin color that makes one person more worthy than the next person.
I also KNOW that homosexuality is not a path, choice, or process. The only difference between homosexuality and heterosexuality is if people are attracted to those of the same sex or the opposite sex. Homosexuality is not like alcoholism, pornography, or pedophilia. It is natural, hormonal, and maybe even hereditary. It is whatever heterosexuality is. I KNOW this. I cannot choose to be a lesbian any more than I can choose to have brown eyes (mine are blue). Sure I could date girls and have sex with them- I can also get brown contacts. But the contacts won't change the fact that my eyes are blue anymore than dating a girl would change the fact that I like boys.
If some random bishop from North Carolina called me to tell me he received revelation for me I would tell him he does not have the authority to receive revelation for me. I cannot receive revelation for anyone else. I don't know why I thought I could- why I thought I could say, "I know this is the correct path for everyone, regardless of their circumstances."
So that is what I am here to say- I don't know what is right for anyone else. I don't know what it is like to be gay and Mormon- or gay and raised Mormon. I do know what it is like to give up everything that your family cherishes, everything that you have ever loved and cherished. Everything that has made you, you. Judaism was my whole life and identity. I loved it with all of my being- I was deciding if I could better serve my religion, faith, and heritage by becoming Orthodox (Chabad actually) or by remaining Reform and becoming a Rabbi (Orthodox women can't be Rabbis or I would have done both). Then I discovered the Church. I knew that the Gospel was true and that Christ was the Savior. I knew that for MYSELF I needed to join the Church. I turned my back on everything I had known and I accepted Christ, something that I had spent 18 years believing was idolatry (to believe in something besides Adoni, one G-d). Sometimes I still wonder if I have turned my back on G-d by believing in the Savior. I hurt my family and made them angry. I felt like I turned my back on my heritage and all my relatives. I felt like I turned my back on my people. But I still know that it was the right choice for ME.
I don't know what all the eternal truths are. I do know that the Lord loves all His children, no exceptions. I know He made those who are homosexual and those who are heterosexual- there is no flaw in one anymore than in the other. I know that hate, anger, and offense come from Satan. I know that love, understanding, acceptance, and happiness come from G-d. If being in the Church causes hate, anger, and offense then I can't believe that is right. G-d never wants us to hate ourselves. EVER. He wants us to love to the best and fullest of our ability. He wants us to help others in the capacity that we have been given. I truly believe that what is right is what brings people to love themselves and others. What is right is whatever makes a person fill up their own well and then give to those who are thirsty. For some, being in the Church evaporates their wells. It causes hate and bitterness towards oneself and towards others.
I fully support those who leave the Church to find happiness in homosexual relationships, those who leave the oppression and hatred so they can love and accept themselves. If someone can't love themselves and believe in the Church, how is it from G-d? No one should ever hate themselves for something they naturally are. I know, because I use to hate myself for having any sexual desires. I support those who have been married for ten or twenty years and choose to leave an opposite sex spouse to find true peace, happiness, and fulfillment. Perhaps the best way for some to honor their wedding vows is to allow a separation so both spouses can find true and deep love and mutual attraction. For some the best and only way to love themselves and others is to be in a loving and committed homosexual relationship where they give and receive a mutual love.
I also support those who choose the Church. I do not think that choosing the Church over acting on sexuality is letting anyone down anymore than me getting baptized was letting down the six million Jews killed in the Holocaust. I support those who leave a same sex partner they have been with six months or forty years if for them greater peace and happiness comes through the Church. I support those who do find honest and true peace, love, and acceptance in a marriage with someone who is only a best friend and partner.
Staying in the Church for the benefit of another person or because of peer pressure, just like leaving the Church because of pressure or for the benefit of another person or group, is being false. I think each person needs to find their own path, and I don't think that it is the same path for anyone. Being on a path that leads to misery, hate, and creating a false identity is not of G-d. It doesn't matter what path is causing those things- it is not a path of G-d. Love for self and love for others is G-d's path. I honestly believe that for some the path of greatest peace, happiness, and self love and acceptance is following the Gospel and staying in the Church. For others the path that leads to peace, happiness, and self love and acceptance is leaving the Church. I don't think there is one right way or answer. We have agency so we can find our own way to G-d. Believing G-d hates us because of who we naturally are (hetero or homosexual) is not finding G-d. I think we have personal revelation and prayer so that we can each find our own way. If the Lord wanted us all to do the same thing we would not need prayer or agency. We would not be individual people with different passions, feelings, needs, desires. We would be uniform.
I support those who leave and those who stay because I believe what is right is different for each person. I honestly believe that leaving the Church can be as right as staying in it or coming back to it. It is different for each person, maybe different at different points in each person's life. We each have a conscience because what is right for each of us is different. But I do believe that love for self and others and happiness is what is eternally and spiritually right- what brings that about for each person is different.
I am willing to stand up before G-d at the last day and stand by this. I am willing to stand up and stand by every person that has done their best to find the path in life that brings them the greatest amount of true hope and love, not a false hope or fake love coerced by indoctrination, fear, or pressure. For some this will be turning their back on their heritage and the truths they have always known and believed so they can be honest with themselves and in a loving relationship. For others it will be turning their back on their natural and true sexuality to follow a path they feel peace and love on. Each person is the only one that knows what the right path is. It is the path that leads to real and true love for self and others. And for each person that path is different.
