Sexual

I was thinking about sex (I tend to get distracted by this a lot because sex and the male anatomy are both such a huge mystery to me) and I started to actually have feelings and desires. I immediately scolded myself, "you are so evil!" And then I thought, wait, I don't think anyone else is evil, even my friends that have sex (even those who have it out of wedlock). Sex isn't evil! I am not evil! These feelings, thoughts, desires, they are all natural, they are even spiritual and divine. Unless man just started making up the divine aspect of sex as an excuse to have it more often, I think we are supposed to have these feelings and wantings. As far as I can discern, we are taught that our sexuality makes us divine. These emotions and connections are one of the most spiritual aspects of marriage. I'm thinking, even though it feels blasphemous, that according to the doctrines of our relationship with G-d, even our Father in Heaven has sexual feelings. Even Christ had them on earth!!

So we are sent to earth to become like our Father in Heaven. We are asked to learn self control so that we can be in command of our godliness, and apparently our sexuality is an important part of this since we have so many rules regarding its restraint and usage. I'm not sure why we have all these regulations- I guess it is like our other strengths. We are given great power that can be used to destroy and hurt one another, but instead we are instructed to love and be kind at the expense of everything else.

Still, it makes me question homosexuality. It doesn't seem like G-d would just accept that if we are sent to earth and subject to nature some 10% of man will organically be born gay if it is in opposition to our divine nature. If sex and our sexual desires continue into the next life and are indeed part of our godly nature then homosexual attraction must be as well. Since He has to obey the rules of nature did G-d just say, "I sacrifice a tith of you in order for the rest of man to have the necessary sexual drive to become divine?" I can't see Him doing that. So I guess the question is, is sexuality a natural drive that is necessary so we procreate, which is our divine purpose? Or, is sexuality in and of itself divine, in which case it seems as though all sexuality should be divine? Are we given the law of chastity so that we can create stable families- in which case homosexuals should also be expected to hold those standards and be with one life partner and adopt children or use invitro techniques? Or, against all common sense and reason, do we have earthly attributes that we must overcome to become divinity? This doesn't make sense if sexuality is divine, because then 90% of man would not have to overcome their desires for celestial glory.

I can understand if we have earthly laws to govern our sexuality. That makes sense because we need to gain control over our bodies and certain behaviors enhance family solidarity. I can understand (if gay marriage is indeed ok and only not revealed as of yet because church members are human, dumb, and not ready for truth) that we are all expected to keep these laws and demonstrate our yearning to serve our Father by showing our obedience. We sacrifice our desires to have sex with whoever, whenever for our spiritual progression. What I can't see, is if sexuality is eternal and divine how only one type can be right. Unless we have been blindfolded by the world and homosexuality is just a thing of nature and those desires will change after we lose our earthly bodies (which will make all the women who die single very happy in the next life because all the amazing gay men will suddenly be straight and they can all marry each other) :P

If sexual desires are only earthly, then I can understand that some of us are lucky enough to have natural desires that can be fulfilled within G-d's commandments (I mean we can't have sex whenever we desire it, but we can be fulfilled with a spouse we are attracted to should we find one), while some are challenged to follow G-d at the expense of their earthly bodies. Then once we get to Heaven we will all be asexual so it won't matter.

I guess the bottom line is we don't really know- which is why we all struggle and blog. I also think this is why we are told not to judge, for how can we judge when we don't understand eternity and when so much has not been reveled? We all must decide for ourselves which gambles we want to take, which desires we want to fulfill, what paths we want to choose, what consequences we are willing to accept. We each have to examine what our Heavenly Father is asking us to do and decide if we are going to do that. We have personal revelation for a reason. If it was a blanket truth for all mankind we wouldn't be asked to communicate with G-d on our own.

I’m Back!

For personal reasons last week I deleted my blog, but I'm happy to be returning to the blog-o-sphere now. Thanks to someone very, very dear to me I'm done with constantly being the victim. I am finished being selfish and prideful to the point that I think everyone's actions are about me and everyone's sins are my fault. I was so conceited I believed that I was worth less than everyone else and hated more than anyone else. It was all or nothing to the point that if someone was special, I was useless, and if I was not everything, I was a nonentity. Well F* that! The only thing I was being a victim of was of my own thoughts and I was so concerned with my self-inflicted pain I didn't realize I was hurting others. I'm sorry that I need to be forced to stop injuring myself when I'm so obstinate I insist on walking on a bleeding and smashed toe. Thank you. I will not be so selfish I destroy others.

Oh- and I'm strong too :)

So two really great songs that I found and that I think say so much coupled together:

Crying

Well, on the bright side, shattering has encouraged me to pick up my scriptures for the first time in a very long while. There is an undeniable peace that comes from the Savior and I can feel His spirit as I read the words I so often neglect.

I am not going to give up or fall backwards. I am going to keep working, feeling, and trying. I don't want to take this path without the person who helped me start it.

I work so hard to make the right choices and then I second guess myself. I am imperfect. I am torn between feeling the self love and approval I've been striving to learn and staying in this fetal position, tears streaking down my face, because I know I've messed up and not been the person I've wanted to be.

Deeper and deeper it is as if I am trapped in the Heart of Darkness.

Maybe there is a medium- I did mess up, I am imperfect, but my intentions are good. I am trying. I am struggling to make the right choices.

And as hard as I try I still got angry and I felt justified. Can everything break because for once you are angry?

"Falling Slowly" from Once over and over again.

Two Steps Back

I always think I've made more progress than I actually have. I was trying to figure out why I push so hard and why I break so easily when it comes to my best friend. I'm not like that with my other best friends, I've never been. I realize that I expect more from him and that is not fair. I'm going through my first real heartbreak- I let myself get closer to him than I've ever been to anyone and so I expect him to have the same attachment to me. That was never the deal. He never agreed to it. I should never demand it. And it is ok, even wonderful, to be intimate and share everything, but we are not a couple, we are not exclusive. We each should have more than the other person in our lives- we each need more than the other person. I can't expect him to be my husband and I have been and I'm sorry.

From the beginning he has advised, compelled, and pleaded with me to love myself. If I can really achieve this self love his love for me won't be my lifeline. It can't be. It's not healthy. It's not fair to either of us. I need to find other things in my life- it won't mean losing my best friend or loving him less, it will mean spreading my wings so I can fly without him. It will mean hurting him less because he won't be the only one holding me. And it won't mean that we won't ever need or help each other, just not all the time. Just not solely.

I need to let go. I need to enjoy more and expect less. I need to love. I need to accept and not overanalyze. I need to let things be. I need to listen and learn. I need to get hurt and grow. I need to be happy and realize I deserve that happiness. I need to accept that my best friend does love me. I need to have many important things in my life. I need to be ok with the fact that I will have to get as close, ever closer, to another boy as I am to my best friend. I need to realize that this summer won't be like last summer and that is ok. Change is ok. Maybe even good :P

Yesterday I watched Snow Falling on Cedars and the post I wrote seems to fit perfectly with today's revelation. So I will just add it here.

"Accident rules every corner of the universe, except, maybe, the chambers of the human heart" (Snow Falling on Cedars). Loving someone is never an accident. This movie made me realize that even if it causing us pain, or our lover pain, there is a point, a purpose, and a truth in love. There is growth, beauty, and peace in all forms of love. And in letting love go. It doesn't mean that the love was insignificant, wrong, or an accident. It just was, and something good came of it, love always creates greatness. And then it will change, end, grow, but the beauty of the love that was won't ever leave. There is always a purpose in love. Serendipity just realized this too.

The Lord’s Love

(This post is from Mon night)

I had a long talk with my roommate tonight about love, the Gospel, and homosexuality. She was raised in a conservative Southern Mormon home, her grandfather kept a gun in case any rapid dogs or homosexuals wondered onto his property. Over the past few months several of her good friends have come out to her and she mentioned that through their struggles she is learning to be empathetic, as opposed to judgmental and apathetic.

I have always been too empathetic. I become encased in the pain others feel- I couldn't even handle the Disney movie Finding Nemo because Nemo's dad suffered through the whole movie. I tried to leave the Church, to forget my testimony, so that the people I love would not have to endure such agony. If the Church wasn't true my best friend could fully embrace his homosexuality without ever facing any repercussions- all Mormon homosexuals could find love because there would be no Church doctrine to discourage or contradict them. But I can't lose my testimony in hopes that it will ease the torture of others. I have to love myself as much as I love everyone else and I have to make choices that are right for me. I cannot leave the Church because I don't want anyone else to suffer for their sins.

We also talked about accountability and how each of us will be judged according to our true testimony and our honest efforts weighed against our personal trials. It is much easier for a straight, Latter-Day Saint, who finds a perfect spouse, to keep certain commandments than for a homosexual, a single adult, or an unhappily married person to. For a gay Mormon there is often no option for marriage. It is easier to stay active in a Church where you are the celebrated norm as opposed to the "evil," pushed aside, ignored, and judged minority. When I am depressed and in too much pain to cope I cut myself, will my mom's emotional and verbal abuse and my molestation counter my sin of self abuse? I think so. I don't think the Lord will punish me for doing the only thing that keeps me sane and alive. He will not condone it though, so I fight to stop the cutting.

My roommate also mentioned that the Lord won't deny someone else celestial glory based on our own weaknesses. If my best friend chooses to leave the Church (which would be an easier decision if he was in love with me and we got married), the Lord won't hold him accountable for his choices based on my imperfections (ie if he leaves the church because he's not in love with me because I'm not pretty enough or perfect enough or stable enough- it won't be either of our faults he's not in love with me). And on the reverse of that- I will NOT be responsible for any of my best friend's actions. And I have faith in him and I know he will make choices that are right for him, as he has always done. He turns the car around when it is going in the wrong direction. He sees the light before he jumps off the balcony. I don't know whether finding his "angel" and getting married in the Temple or leaving the church and meeting a wonderful man is the best path for him, but he will figure it out. And each time I try to take away his pain or fix his life I am stealing his chances for growth and eternal progression.

I need to find faith in the next world. It has always been a foreign concept for me and I've been willing and able to follow all the commandments based on earthly happiness, without thinking of an afterlife, until now. Now there are commandments that don't make sense and suffering that seems uncalled for. I need to believe in something beyond this life so that I can continue to believe in the Church. With eternal salvation and glory in front of us, our agony gains purpose and perspective. Our pain is reconciled. We are blessed here and eternally for our faith and the sacrifices we make to follow the commandments. And yes, this also means retribution for sins, but if I can believe in an afterlife I know the forgiveness, peace, and love will be greater than the temporary hell of repentance.

“It’s a Step in the Right Direction After All”

(I wrote this Sat or Sunday, I just didn't have internet access to post it)

Every night I pray for my best friend and some nights that is the only thing I have the strength or desire to pray for. Generally I ask the Lord to comfort and assistant him and I ask to be able to help him in every way possible. Last night I as I was about to solicit, "please let me be everything that my best friend needs," I was struck by the ridiculousness of my own words. I promptly changed my prayer, "please let him be everything he needs."

I love my best friend so much, but the only way for him to be truly happy and filled with love is if he is creating it himself. I'm learning that I can't be the one to save him and if I really want him to have joy and peace I need to pray for him, not pray for myself to give it to him. With the Lord's help he can create it in his own life. I can't force it on him- I can't bring it to him or create it for him. Loving him doesn't mean being the one that will make everything better.

*quote from Bedknobs and Broomsticks

Sex, Drugs, Jealousy, Anger

I am so jealous of people that have sex (the unmarried Mormon ones). I am envious of the BYU students who are screwing around and drinking and doing drugs. I wish I could be a rule breaker. I don't even think I am a good Latter-Day Saint so much as I am terrified of breaking rules. When I was at BYU I broke the honor code by burning candles in my dorm room on campus. Wow- big rebel. I have too many issues from being molested to just run off and have sex, but why can't I get drunk? I am over twenty-one and I was at a club with alcohol. I have stayed in many houses with alcohol. It would cure me from ever hurting, from ever feeling anything. But I can't. When I was in Israel I had a glass of wine placed in front of me at every Sabbath dinner- but I never took a sip. I am a coward. Something in me is too scared to break rules. Ever. I am a green-eyed monster towards the fearless- the ones who know what they want, who follow their bodies, who break rules.

It is very hard for me to be angry with another person. It's an emotion I can't handle. I usually channel resentment into something much more self- destructive, like pain or rejection. I went dancing with my best friend and one of his other good friends and I was jealous of his relationship with her. I wanted to be the one. I wanted to be special. I wanted to be his best friend. I wanted to be loved more. And I was actually angry with my best friend. I didn't want to cut and I didn't hate myself. I was angry at him for choosing someone over me (which is ridiculous because I know he can love 500 other people and still love me- but my heart isn't as logical as my brain). Then he commented on my dancing- that I was doing really well but needed to break even further out of my shell. There was nothing judgmental, hateful, or even critical in his comments. My best friend was encouraging me to progress even further. I fell apart. I started to cry. I wanted to crawl into corner and disappear. I became so self-conscious about my perceived failure that I couldn't dance the rest of the night. I felt like an idiot every time I moved. But the strange thing is that I no longer felt angry. Suddenly it seemed right- of course he would choose her, look how much better she is. I could never compare to her.

So I guess the anger was a good thing (I mean I had no reason to be upset- he has the right to love any and everyone more than me, and I was probably over reacting anyway), but I was irritated my best friend would pick someone I felt equal to over me. For a moment I had felt just as important, perfect, and just as good (even better) a friend than she could be. I didn't think he had a reason to love her more than he loved me. But it was fleeting.

I don't know how I'm going to be able to dance again. And I'm in awe of people that take drugs and have sex.

“I Am Not Worthy to be Called Your Savior”

I don't have faith in my best friend. That is a huge part of my problem and something that another friend pointed out to me this week. My friend told me that I want to be Hidden's savior. I protested, how absurd that I want to be his Christ. My friend told me that I want to ensure exaltation and celestial glory for Hidden. I did. I did want to be his savior. I had never thought of it in such unhealthy terms.

My mom doesn't have faith in me. She doesn't have faith that I can achieve true health and happiness without her, away from her, contrary to her, so she suffocates me. She tries to be the one to save me. Why am I doing this to my best friend? How can I love him so much and think he is one of the most amazing people in the whole world, and yet not have faith in him?

I need to put my feelings aside. I need to find love for myself. I need to increase my self-esteem so that I don't hang on Hidden, feeling important only because someone who is friends with me is incredible. My mom can't live her life through me and I can't find my greatness through my best friend. I can't collapse because I am not the most important person in his life, I can't hate myself when he is with other people.

I want him to be happy- eternally, temporally, completely- but I can't create, cause, or force that. I have to have faith that he will establish such joy for himself. I have to have faith that he has the love, power, and drive for such things. I worry that he doesn't love himself as much as he should, as much as he puts on and as much as he deserves. But if I know he is beyond amazing then I need to channel that belief into faith that he will fix these things in his own life. I need to accept that he can change his life in the way he changes the whole world for the better. That he will choose to develop an even greater love and self-esteem for himself, that he will find happiness and learn to accept love. I need to have faith that he can perfect his own life and find his own joy. I need to have faith that he doesn't need me in his life. And then I will be able to let go.

*quote from The Classic Crime, The End

The Pot of Gold

Random thought- We are taught that our weaknesses become our strengths, that we are given weaknesses to make us strong. I think homosexuality is a perfect example of this. The LDS world views homosexuality as a weakness, something that needs to be overcome, but really it is a strength. Those who are gay and Mormon develop more Christlike qualities and inspire and teach other Church members to love. It is through their perceived weakness that they become the strongest among us- regardless of what paths they choose.

I talked to my best friend today- the gay one I'm in love with. I have to face the ultimatum of getting a boy friend or losing him. Thankfully, one of my really good friends came out to me yesterday and her perspective was a huge help in understanding what my best friend feels. She lost her best friend because he was in love with her and she couldn't reciprocate. I won't lose someone I love in ways that are greater than romantic love. I won't lose the person who continually saves my life.

I am letting go and I could feel the weight lifting from me as I unloaded my thoughts on my best friend. I can't save him. That is between him and Christ. I cannot blame myself for him not being able to have a Temple marriage right now. I can't blame myself for him not being filled with peace, love, joy, and happiness. He had a vision once, of a beautiful wife that was his angel and brought him joy. I cried endlessly last summer wanting to be his angel. It is not my fault I can't fix his life and save him from all pain. His pain is not a result of my ugliness and my imperfection.

I need to get over the sexual abuse that stains my past, makes nightmares of my present, and instigates an impossible future.

I am still in love with him and I wish I could marry him. But I know that marriage to each other is not right or healthy for either of us. We both deserve more, we both deserve better. I am jealous of Serendipity, but her life is different, her relationship with her best friend is different, and the path the Lord has for her is different. Serendipity and Dichotomy have mutual love. I have dependence.

Every day I pressure my mom to get her own life, a life that is healthy and that does not orbit around me. How can I build a life on my best friend as I work to unbury myself from the foundation of my mom's life? I inflict on my best friend what my mother has inflicted on me. The desire I have for my best friend to be the only man I'm ever in love with is not fair to either of us when so much of that wanting is based on the fact that he is sexually safe. He has pushed me into a corner and I need to drop the ember of my past. I've clutched the pain of molestation for twenty years and I have to drop it or my best friend will no longer hold my hand.

I still agree with my last post, but I am trying to move on. I loved my best friend long before I was in love with him and that love will last longer the being in love. I can't wait for him, refuse to move forward, because one day he may fall in love with me the way he's fallen in love with other girls. I can't smother myself in guilt for his pain or his decisions. I can't let him be the only one. If I am healthy for him, if I stop cutting for his sake, and then my heart is sliced open by his words I have no reason to restrain myself from easing my own pain. THIS CANNOT BE. I need to be healthy for myself, maybe even for the Lord, but not for another person.

The Lord loves me as much as He loves my best friend- and even now I am crying at the unbelievability of this statement and the pain of the truth pressing on me. The only way I can truly love those who are most important to me is if I learn to love myself. I have to heal to have healthy relationships. I have to love myself in order to love my best friend. I have to accept that he deserves more than I can give him and I have to acknowledge that I am worthy of more than bequeaths.

I will not lose my best friend over my own fear, stupidity, and self-hatred. I will not injure someone I love so much just because I want to continue to harm myself. I am in a thoroughly screwed up cyclone where I am wounding my best friend as I try to save him from all the heart wrenching and unjust pain he suffers. I think I finally understand why I have to be healthy before I can help someone. Right now I am just destroying both of us.

This will not be easy or quick, but I am stepping forward.

"If you love someone, let them go."

Were the World Mine…

I would crawl deep into a cave and never come out.

I think love is stupid and ridiculous. Why the hell are we supposed to search for partners (gay/straight whatever)? There is no reason we can't be healthy and independent without a significant other. Who said that we need boyfriends or girlfriends, all we should need are friends! Partnered love is pointless and I don't understand the necessity of it.

Why on earth would I want to become close to someone, share my physical space, life, emotions, lips with them just so we could break up and get close to someone else? It's obtuse. All I should need is plutonic friends, the Lord, and myself.

Sex is literally effing stupid and should go screw itself. I'm joining a convent! One that practices flagellation.

“Stuck Between Sleep and Awake”

I am supposed to be free and able to live my own life. But I have one friend in a miserable marriage, my best friend who's suffered desolately, and a mother who only has me in the world. I want to help lift everyone up, so why can't I save myself? I received some wonderful comments on my last posts, and I am so appreciative of them, but my face turned red and my heart shut off as my head muttered, "no, no I am not all those things, not filled with that goodness." Why the hell do I continue to hate myself so much when I am flooded with evidence that I am not horrible, ugly, and a chore to be around? Why won't I embrace the person everyone else sees in me?

I am in a blender with three blades. The first is the disparity between the Church and justice for gays, another blade is my past and sharp thoughts of myself, the third spinning scalpel being in love with my best friend. I'm only going to address the first one now, but the other posts will come. All of these spears are multifaceted, toxic, crucial, and self destroying.

Scott made some great comments on my 'G-d Damned' post and many of them make sense, but there are still so many unanswered questions. Is a gay marriage any more of a sin than a straight marriage performed outside of the Temple? Are we really asked to follow the prophets even if their humanism has spurred some of their policies? I think deep inside I know that we are expected to follow the word of the Lord as revealed through His leaders. So even though we lack G-d's words on homosexuality do we believe the laws that are currently in force?

If the Church is true, if there is a Heavenly Father and a plan, a Savior and Atonement, then there is sacrifice and reward, unimaginable reward overcompensating for excessive agony. I can't base my testimony on what I want to be true. I can't lose my faith in what pulled me away from my beloved Judaism because I don't want man to suffer for seeking the pleasures his natural body craves.

I'm sorry, I am so sorry, and I am so sick, but I know. I believe. The spirit that I feel tells me there is one path and one way. The truth that I want so much to walk away from and never return to pounds the law of chastity into my aching soul. Please forgive me, but I believe that there is more happiness and joy in the Gospel than outside of it. I believe there is more peace in following the commandments and entering the Temple. I am crying and I am remorseful that I have to take this step. This is what my heart says. There is more in this stupid, uptight, pain inflicting Gospel than in the apparently free and just world. We are all asked to make sacrifices, I truly believe that the Lord wants us all to sacrifice for mixed gender marriages and keep the laws that are currently on the books. I know there is truth and peace in the Temple and peace through the covenants.

Do I believe people who don't follow the Gospel are going to hell? No (well maybe those who continue to hate and shun and judge), but not G-d's children that try. Not His children that LOVE. Do I think there will be reconciliation? Yes, I am wretched to say this, I am sorry, but yes I think there will have to be repentance and pain for actions that break the covenants we have promised to keep. Do I believe that G-d loves ALL His children EQUALLY? Yes. Do I believe that He would rather have His sons and daughters loving themselves and others than despising their own bodies and contemplating suicide? Yes. Do I believe that not engaging in sex outside of marriage and not engaging in homosexual relationships brings saints closer to G-d? In most cases, I'd have to say yes. But there is not hell and damnation for those who choose otherwise. Just reconciliation. And I am regretful. I am forlorn I have to unbury my testimony and step away from the path that I want to be on, away from the things that I want to believe.

I don't know if homosexuality is eternal. I don't know if gay relationships are eternally wrong (I tend to think they may not be). I was really hit by Scott's point that perhaps G-d didn't want straight men to lie together (as the Romans did). Or that He wanted to keep the Israelites separate (which means as a Jew I shouldn't go off having sex with girls- too bad) :P But for whatever reason, I believe we are told to follow the prophets (and maybe it has nothing to do with gay relationships being evil, but a sacrifice we don't understand or a mistake the innocent will be blessed for as all those wrongfully killed for their religious beliefs throughout history who were automatically saved and their murders were condemned for their own sins). Maybe those who come out harshly against homosexuality of their own will shall face the consequences while gays who suffer at their hands are instantly saved.

Do I think celibacy and mixed orientation marriages are the answer? Maybe. The Lord promises us peace in keeping His commandments- even those commanded by current prophets. I know Heavenly Father will implausibly bless those who stay on the path and that He will bless those who sacrifice and struggle to keep His commandments. I know He wants all His children home, regardless of their actions. I know there is mercy and love. I honestly believe we can ALL be saved, that He wants us ALL saved, but I believe we will each have to repent of our sins to attain that salvation. As I apologize again, I do think that a sin is breaking the commandments as they are currently set forth- no matter how ridiculous they seem.

What I've tried to run away from and what I've buried my testimony to hide from is my belief that those who participate in homosexual activity will eventually have to repent. I'm sorry. Even if gay relationships aren't eternally wrong, we are told at this time that we should not engage in them and we are told to follow the laws of our times, not the laws of past or future eras.

I still think gay marriage should be legal. I still KNOW sexual orientation is not changeable and it is not a choice. I don't know if I believe homosexual sex is wrong, or if it is just something the Lord is not allowing right now. I am still going to Pride on Sunday. I still believe a sin is a sin and all those saints who judge others will have their own hard core repentance process some day.

I am sorry I have to find myself and return to the narrow path.

To G-d:

Give me wings, give me peace
These are the things that I need
I'm tormented, broken, and shamed
Are you listening?

And give me shelter from the storm
I know it's a lot to ask for considering how recent I've piled the dirt on your name

Are you listening?

I have heard that winter's cold will give way to summer's warmth
Oh no! Like salt in the snow,
I'm melted and left all alone on the side of the road

Is this where I am for your sake?
Stuck between sleep and awake
My mind is dreaming of things
Are you listening?

I took you for granted again
And threw you aside and pretended for one minute that I had control of my life and direction-- it seemed to be "in"
I was wrong again

And I will wait for you to come again
And I can't pretend like I'm confident
And I can't pretend like it makes much sense when it doesn't

-The Classic Crime, Salt in the Snow

Knife No More

I don't know if I have ever posted this or not, but I'm a cutter. Right now I really, really need to cut because my heart hurts and the only way to release the pain from my body is by letting it bleed out. I've only cut three times in the last 54 weeks (which is AMAZING for me) and I am not cutting tonight, I am writing (and crying of course).

I am at a loss for words to type, my thoughts incoherent blankets blinding my vision. I want to be with my best friend and I want to take away his pain without causing him more pain by wanting to take away his pain. I think I need to grow as an individual and find myself. I am unspeakably petrified that if I become a healthy and "whole" person I won't be able to sacrifice myself for my best friend anymore. I am terrified that I won't want to marry him anymore. Isn't it right to want to sacrifice everything for someone you love? Should marriage be your biggest sacrifice or should it not be a sacrifice at all? Maybe it is just so unhealthy that I want to marry him when he doesn't love or appreciate me back. Tonight he told me that I need to reach inside myself and uncover the reasons I joined the Church in the first place. My thought: those feelings are locked behind a wall of repression, protection, and justification and I don't know if I can dig them out. Perhaps they have disintegrated. Maybe I want them to have disintegrated. I don't want to believe that salvation and exaltation only come through misery. If we are here so that we can have joy, why the hell can't gay people have love???

1. Repentance- even if the Gospel is as it has so far been revealed we can all repent of EVERYTHING we have done, regardless of how bad our actions have been.
   

   
    

2. Thoughts from a convo with a great dad at the MoHo party- there is a gray, gay, middle ground. I left the party tonight thinking that salvation and homosexual partnerships (marriages?) are not at odds. We know that we have little knowledge of the Gospel because there is so much that has not been revealed. We are commanded above all to love G-d, ourselves, and our neighbors and gay partnership can easily be based on following all three of these commandments. There really is little in the quad scriptures that condemns homosexuality, much of it is from modern revelation. The men who lead the Church are human, and as with blacks and the Priesthood and Joseph Smith and the plates, have been known to make human judgments. What if the strong denunciation of homosexual activity is from human thought and not Devine instruction? Then my best friend asked if a "what if" is worth jeopardizing your salvation for.
   

   
    

3. The first- the Gospel is true and there is a narrow path to salvation. This is the typical notion (and is it typical because it is common or typical because it is true?) in which we are told to follow the Gospel so far as it has been revealed, which means we cannot act on homosexuality. Here we sacrifice everything for Christ and trust that our surrender of this world will be made up for in the next life. This is living today based on tomorrow, boxed into solitude or marriage with someone of a sex they are not attracted to. Isolation for my best friend because the one girl he is in love with won't consider him because he is gay, or blind faith that someone else will come, or that the Church offers more than natural love and pleasure ever can?
   
   

I don't want my best friend to be in agony because he has denied himself in order to follow the Gospel word for word. I don't want him to go to hell if he chooses to have earthly love. I don't want to look at my testimony because I'm afraid I will find something I don't want to believe.

Maybe it is about future generations, about an ideal that we all strive for but few achieve of a loving and in love husband and wife healthfully raising their own children. I looked at the amazing and beyond incredible children at tonight's party, they are perfect, maybe the sacrifices are for them. If the parents had not striven to live the Gospel as it is currently presented none of those beautiful children would exist. One wife told me she worried that her husband would leave one day to seek the life he is missing, but as I watched this family I only saw the amazing wife and children he currently has, I have to think he would be giving up more than he could ever find. Another husband had his arms around his gorgeous wife and his hands in her pockets, love.

But how could someone like Cog be going to hell? It doesn't make sense- it isn't right. How is it fair that so many gay people are never given the "truth" so they don't have to choose sacrifice based on revelation received by Man or choose to gamble their salvation based on something that seems fair, sensible, and natural? Why is one tenth, a tithe, of the population expected to give up who they naturally are, to sacrifice physical love and the connections that come through this love?

I wish no one had to wait "unit the time comes" (The Classic Crime) when waiting is just suffering. Are we happier sacrificing in the Gospel and hoping for change or living logic and nature?

G-d Damned

"It's been a bad day You've been looking back And all you can see is everything you wish you could take back All your mistakes A world of regrets All of those moments you would rather forget I know it's hard to believe let me refresh your memory Yesterday is history And history is miles away So leave it all behind you But let it always remind you of the day The day that love made history" (Mathew West, History)

I don't know why some ssa people are born into non religious or atheist families and raised so acting on their natural attractions requires little sacrifice and little back-turning (I mean giving up cultural norms is no big deal right?) :P

Others are born here, into this apparent truth, given a strict path to celestial glory so that for them to engage in homosexual relationships is stepping away from their hearts, souls, G-d, and truths, right? I don't know. I just don't know anymore.

So much of me holds on to my testimony of the Savior, which pulls me to the Priesthood under whose blessing I received my testimony of Christ, to the Book of Mormon and the strength and peace I've found reading it. Can I turn my back on this? Do I have to?

I KNOW not to judge and I know that everyone has their own path and testimony. I will NEVER assess, hate, condemn, or think less of those (LDS or not) who choose other lifestyles; drinking, gambling, drugs, promiscuity. But can I believe that among all of G-d's commandments there is one that is a mistake, one commandment that will somehow change with future revelation?

Christ loves endlessly and I will too (although I do struggle to embrace those closed minded, terrified, bigots). Love. Don't measure the worthiness of others. That is easy. But do I believe in the Church? I can't go in for a Temple recommend if I don't support the Church leaders. If I believe in the Gospel I can't turn my back on one apparently eternal law just because it doesn't make sense and it isn't just. I can't sit on the fence. I can't say that despite everything this one piece of the Gospel is going to change. That there are loop holes in the Family Proclamation. That despite thousands of years of G-d's words He will change what He has said about homosexual activity.

G-d made people gay. It is not a choice. It is not bad, wrong, or imperfect. But His whole Gospel is built on sacrifices- is this just one more monstrous sacrifice He expects from His children? I don't know what will happen after this world. Often I don't even think there's anything else, sometimes I hope there is nothing else.

If there is something more, if this is true, I will not go to a Heaven that rejects those who have had sex with someone of the same gender, I won't live with a G-d like that. But is it just repentance and restoration for sin, not disqualification? I have to figure out if I can accept homosexual action as a sin. This doesn't mean I will be against Prop 8 or denouncing gay relationships, I'm not for reinstating Prohibition and I don't think less of my friends who drink, but if I can't believe it is a sin can I believe in the Gospel? How can I reject one commandment, one piece of G-d's plan?

There isn't a middle ground. Love and acceptance are on both sides, but G-d and Christ as I've believed in them, their church, and their Temples, are only on one side. If the Gospel is true, then we have to follow His path as far as it has been revealed. There are always upside-downs, falls, sins, mistakes, disobedience, that is why we have the Atonement, but there is also right, truth, goals to be striven for. I'm not saying there is only one happiness, one choice, but if the Church is true there is one path, one truth, one goal, and one set of rules to get there.

But I don't know if I want that to be true. It means pain for all of us because we sin and it means repentance and suffering now or in the next life. It means that it is hard and unfair here. It means that nothing makes sense because there is no equality and no justice now.

So do we give up everything for some uncertain future? Do I ignore the faint pulsing of my testimony in Christ because it is easier and because it means an end to pain and injustice? Is religion an eternal truth or is it the 4,000 year old result of an advanced species creating rules, boundaries, and order out of chaos?

"There is no guilt here There is no shame No pointing fingers There is no blame What happened yesterday has disappeared The dirt has washed away And now it's clear There's only grace There's only love There's only mercy And believe me it's enough Your sins are gone Without a trace There's nothing left now There's only grace" (Mathew West, Only Grace)

Perfection

My friend told me that we are all perfect in Heavenly Father's eyes and that life is about us realizing our own perfection through trial and error. I believe my friend's words in the sense that we are perfect to our Father, all child should be perfect to their parents, but we are also human and tempted and living in a world that is as much under the control of Satan, if not more, than it is influenced by G-d. It's the opening to A Tale of Two Cities or Jekyll and Hyde. We are an opposition in ourselves. According to this Plan, which my faith still wobbles around, we are Divine spirits sent to live in earthly bodies. There it is. The opposition is in the core of our existence. We have brilliant powers to save and equally strong powers to destroy, both ourselves and others, but our ability to create is far greater than our power to demolish (which means if I put forth half the effort into healing myself as I put into obliterating myself I would be an amazing force of light). But it is the steps we take that matter. My thoughts are full of self doubt and hatred, but I am moving to a better place, I am applying for jobs, I am getting help. Who we really are is found in our actions, not in our thoughts. We are scared of "what is lurking right behind the facade" (Jekyll and Hyde: The Musical), but it should be our choices, our actions, that frighten us, not our contemplations.

I still come back to the Savior, the rock (and perhaps only part left) of my testimony. He loves us, even in this imperfect climb we ascend to our perfection. He was perfect, but He felt all of our temptations, struggles, deaths. He suffered the torment of killing six million Jews, one million of whom were children. He has felt the remorse of the most violent and vile of sins. He knows all of our thoughts and desires and He LOVES us. Even when we choose wrong, even when we follow our earthly selves or Satan, He LOVES us- EACH OF US. I'm still internalizing His love for me, but I strongly testify of His love for all others and, at least in some small measure, I know He loves me too.

We are complex. We build up walls starting as children, shields that protect us from the pain we encounter in this hell. These walls separate us from others, from their feelings and needs, so while preventing our own pain we can more easily cause wounds in others. When we hurt we want others to suffer too and our high walls shelter us from feeling what we inflict on others. It is so plain to me that if we hate ourselves we will hate others, that if we are miserable we will impose that on others, so it should be easy for me to see how loving ourselves is the greatest love of all. When we love ourselves we acknowledge our maker and our Savior, and we give to Them when we love others. I think love is possible, even in the most difficult, trying, and unexpected places. If you have love, you can have peace. If you are content and honest with yourself and embark on a difficult journey love can blossom and grow. Even when it seems as though love always fails, I know that can't be true- no matter how unattainable it seems love would not be part of the plan if it wasn't good, beautiful, and achievable.

I know it's not supposed to be easy, but it is so frustratingly complicated, this life we are in, these bodies we are in, these choices we have to make, the eternal truths we need to accept or reject. This is from another girl's journal:

"It's twice as hard for us young ones to hold our ground, and maintain our opinions, in a time when all ideals are being shattered and destroyed, when people are showing their worst side, and do not know whether to believe in truth and right and in G-d."

"Finally I twist my heart round again, so that the bad is on the outside and the good is on the inside and keep on trying to find a way of becoming what I would so like to be and what I could be, if...there weren't any other people living in the world."

"That's the difficulty in these times, ideals, dreams, and cherished hopes rise within us, only to meet the horrible truth and be shattered. It's really a wonder that I haven't dropped all my ideals, because they seem so absurd and impossible to carry out. Yet I keep them, because in spite of everything I still believe that people are really good at heart.

I simply can't build up my hopes on a foundation consisting of confusion, misery, and death, I see the world gradually being turned into a wilderness, I hear the ever approaching thunder, which will destroy us too, I can feel the sufferings of millions and yet, if I look up to into the heavens, I think that it will all come right, that this cruelty too will end, and that peace and tranquility will return again."

~Anne Frank

Honesty

I guess I shouldn't be selectively honest on this blog and although I wanted to just sweep my worry under the rug, I'm going to explore my most recent concern. I'm happy (ish) again. My best friend called, told me he was moving, said I needed a change, and told me to buy a plane ticket and move to the same state. I understand that I need to leave home because I am dying under my mom's oppressive verbal abuse and dependency. And I am alone here- really alone as it's just my mom and I on forty acres, a mile down a dirt road, and fifteen minutes from the nearest small town. At the same time though, how can I be like this? Can my mood change because suddenly my best friend acknowledged our friendship enough to encourage me to move to the area he will be living in? How unhealthy is it to pack up and leave because the one I am unpromisingly in love with asks me to? And am I just back-paddling? I am terrified to move because I will be going to a place where I can get a job (hopefully), possibly have dating options, be in close proximity to many of my dear friends, and have the opportunity to get more counseling. Am I doing something good for myself and finding a way to counteract that before I slice my skin to relieve the burden of joy? I know I am too dependent on my best friend and I want to change that before I become my mother. My dependency is mood based, not material based, my mom's is both. I am controlled by my best friend's mood and I shouldn't be. If he's happy, I'm happy, if he's not, I'm not. I hate that my mood so drastically influences my mother's mood, how can I leech onto someone in that same destructive way? But am I using all of this as an excuse so that my decision to move suddenly because a self-abusive one?

I am moving somewhere that can have a positive effect on my life, but I think I would have moved anywhere for him. That's wrong. I know it is wrong, but I don't know how to change it. Somewhere inside of me is a smile though, perhaps even a healthy one, because his suggestion shows that he does love me (I'm talking friendship here), that in some way he does want me around, and maybe even that he needs me, just a little. I hope so. It's nice to know that you mean something.

Six months ago I started a young adult book, Love, Stargirl, got distracted and only picked it up again the other night. This is the second page I read (randomly after this book sat in my room for half a year). Telling.

"And so I'm me again, Leo… I'm hoping you wouldn't wish it any other way... You occupied my space. But because you were not in my present, when I looked into my future I saw… nothing. Isn't that sad? And stupid?

Oh sure, I'll still be missing you as much as ever. I'll still smile at the memory of you. I'll still be—OK, I'll say it again—loving you, but I won't abandon myself for you. I cannot be faithful to you without being faithful to myself. I've reclaimed my future. If we are destined to be together again, be happy to know you'll be getting the real me, not some blubbering half me."

Jerry Spinelli, Love, Stargirl

Remove the noose before I kick out the chair

I've been hanging myself spiritually and emotionally and it's affected every part of life leaving me unable to accomplish anything. I guess when you're dead in all ways except the physical one you can't complete even the simple tasks. My body exists with nothing to coerce it to achieve.

One of my great friends sent me an email profound in its beauty, simplicity, and truth and I want to share it with everyone else that is struggling out there. He said:

More than anything else though, I testify to you with all the power of knowledge that I have, that your heavenly father loves you. He aches when you ache because he knows everything about your pain. He loves you. And his love is unconditional. Not only because he is perfect and loves everyone, but because you're his child and he sees YOU as perfect. He loves you the way you truly deserve to be loved and he loves you that way BECAUSE you deserve that love.    

It's one of the first times I've cried tears of comfort in months and it feels good. The Lord loves all of us because we DESERVE it. Here I sit finding it impossible to love myself enough to do anything more than rot on the couch and sleep, and I am deserving of the greatest love there is. I have blogged about how the Lord loves all of us, and I have struggled to accept that love in my life, but I never realized that He doesn't just love us because we are His, He loves us because WE DESERVE to be loved.

He bestows all His love upon us and I'm rejecting Him. Can I love the Lord while hating myself, His creation? It is easy for me to love other people, to want to help them, to want to do everything for them. Why is it so hard to love myself? How do I even begin to love myself? I guess the first step is to acknowledge that the Lord loves me because I deserve it- and then maybe I'll accept that I deserve my own love.

Dying

I'm still engulfed in depression and like Hidden (http://hiddenaporia.blogspot.com/2009/04/drowning-pool.html) I realize I'm in the same place I was a year ago, two years ago, ten years ago. It's difficult when you think you've come so far and then you realize you're not any farther than you were before. The issues may be a little different, but I feel lost, confused, frustrated, hopeless, and alone all over again. Choices seem difficult, depressing, and nonexistent. Faith seems impossible and I wonder if I ever really had any. Happiness seems an unmanageable task away.

Last night my cat was cuddling with me (she isn't happy in my lap she has to be on my face) and I gained a little more Insight (http://a-struggler.blogspot.com/2009/04/self-abuse.html). My cat has self-esteem. She comes up to me, without second guessing herself, and lays down crying for affection. She doesn't hate herself and she doesn't assume everyone hates her. I guess Satan doesn't have much pull on animals :P

My blog is becoming my self-loathing ground of scattered thoughts and I apologize for that. I don't know if I want help or attention, I think it's probably some of both that I'm craving. I know I wouldn't be trying to sort out my feelings if I didn't want to get better, but I also know I'm a lot further from "well" then I've tried to pretend for the past several months.

In love with my gay best friend

I feel sick to my stomach right now and I don't think it's because what I'm doing is wrong, I think it's because it's right. So here comes some of the 'verbal diarrhea' I occasionally fall victim to. My blog is now entirely honest- it is all of me. I need to be in therapy again but first I need to find a job so that I know where I'm going to be living before I start with a new therapist. For now my blog is going to be my therapy and Sz you sure as hell better be proud of me for that :P

I was talking to a friend last night and he asked me what I wanted. I gave him some random answers as I let the truth stay hidden in my soul- I want to be with my best friend and I want him to be in love with me. I've never been in love until now- I think I'm in love with my best friend who is gay and LDS (and he's a guy- if it was a girl who was gay who I'd fallen in love with it would be a whole different story- with other problems). In my heart I know that this isn't what G-d has in store, and I know that is right and good (us not being together in that way), but that doesn't mean I'm happy with it.

I knew he was gay from the moment I met him, I wasn't attracted to him, and never expected to fall in love with him. As time went on I realized how amazing he was, how much fun we had, how I loved being with him (even it was just on the phone), and how much I trusted him, and somewhere I became attracted to him. Yet, I think a large part of being in love with him is because I feel safe with him. I was molested when I was a child and I guess I have issues with males. My best friend is the first boy I've ever held hands with, the first boy who ever put his arm around me, and the first boy I've ever cuddled with. It's a strange dichotomy because while I am in love with him, being with him isn't really sexual. I love cuddling with him because it's safe- I feel safe in his arms in a way I've never felt secure and protected before. Sometimes, though, I definitely want to make out with him (generally I think making out is disgusting- not that I've done it- it just seems like it would be). Letting myself have sexual feelings is a new step for me, up until recently I felt like a devil child even if I thought a boy was cute. I believed I was one of the third who followed Satan, only someone made a mistake and I ended up with a body (that's how guilty I felt over what happened to me when I was little). But that was biology- and I was a child- I was innocent. I am clean. That's aside from the whole being in love with my best friend ordeal though. I think another large part of what I want more than anything right now (which is to be with my best friend, have him in love with me, and eventually marry him) is because I want to save him. I don't think that he will go to hell or anything if he is with boys or marries one, and I think if he wants to he will find a girl he's in love with to marry, but I don't want him to have to wait. If he was in love with me I feel as though it would take away his pain. I don't want him to suffer anymore and it's not because I feel sorry for him or indebted to him, it is because I love him; pure, simple, Christlike love. Now I might not be healthy enough to give love properly, but I do have love for people. I know it's not right, but it'd be so easy- I love him and I'm probably in love with him and if he were in love with me he could be happy. He'd have someone he loved who loved him back (who would work really hard to give him a good sex life). He could have a family and not be alone, he could have peace.

But I know he's not in love with me and I know I'm not healthy enough to give him the love he deserves, or receive the love I deserve. I know in my heart we're probably always and only going to be best friends. And for now that is right. I need to love myself before I can healthy give my love to someone- I can't save someone before saving myself and even though I love him so much I have to accept that I might not be the lifeboat he needs. Even if you are in love with someone it can't be healthy that you want them to be in love with you so that they can be happy, can it?

I am terrified to love myself. I'm terrified to be in love. I'm terrified to have a boyfriend. I want to be in my best friends arms because I am always scared, and in his arms I'm not.

I watched another Law & Order: SVU tonight and that is actually what spurred me to write this post. Season 8, episode "Sin," a son tells his father that he cannot change being gay and the formerly gay bashing preacher responds lovingly, "You're my son." It hit me with a thin current of warmth, that's how all of this is, He loves us because we are His children- He has birthed us, He has created us. When gay couples come before Him on the last day I believe He will be like the father in this episode. He will hug His child and say, "You're my son." I also believe, although I can't explain the seemingly injustice of it, that special blessing come through the Temple. I know that as angry as I am at the Church there must be truth to it or I would be able to walk away from it; after all it's only been in my life about eight years. Those who have testimonies and are fortunate enough to find loved ones to be in mixed orientation marriages with, those who sacrifice their earthly (and possibly eternal) attractions, receive amazing blessings. I know blessing and love also come to those who choose relationships based on their attractions- like with Cog and his family. I know there will be reconciliation in all things, but I don't know how that will work or what it will involve. I know anything and everything we sacrifice here will be made up for and I know the Lord will have mercy if our hearts have been filled with love, regardless of the type. He will hold us and tell us we are His children- we will feel safe and we will feel love.

And to my best friend: I hope that as I'm brutally honest and as I start doing things for myself that I'm still able to make you happy sometimes- because you are my best friend and it makes me happy when my friendship makes you happy.

Throwing the Dice

Sunrise like a nosebleed
Your head hurts and you can't breathe
You been tryin' to throw you arms around the world
How far you gonna go
Before you lose your way back home?

You've been trying to throw your arms around the world

–U2, Tryin' to Throw Your Arms Around the World

Sometimes I get really embarrassed, scared, unsure, and second guessing. I feel like that about my blog right now. Part of me wants to take it down and forget about this foreign outlet, yet earlier today I was ready to take my blog even further into the depths of my soul. I'm depressed, again. I need to progress, again. I went through this a year ago- I had a choice about doing something really difficult that would help move forward or just reverting. Now I can continue to climb even though it frightens me more than the darkest night or I can crawl into my shell hiding my head from the bloody knifes of self-esteem and standing alone. I know I won't be alone, alone, but if I take this step I'll learn to stand by myself and I'll learn to be ok with that. I won't be depended on pain. This is the song I kept on repeat when my grandma died.

Don't know just where I'm going
And tomorrow, it's a little overwhelming
And the air is cold
And I'm not the same anymore
I've been running in your direction
For too long now
I've lost my own reflection
And I can't look down
If you're not there to catch me when I fall.

If this is the moment I stand here on my own
If this is my rite of passage that somehow leads me home
I might be afraid
But it's my turn to be brave
If this is the last chance before we say goodbye
At least it's the first day of the rest of my life
I can't be afraid
Cause it's my turn to be brave

All along all I ever wanted, was to be the light
When your life was daunting
But I can't see mine
When I feel as though you're pushing me away
Well who's to blame, are we making the right choices
Cause we can't be sure if we're hearing our own voices
As we close the door even though we are so desperate to stay

If this is the moment I stand here on my own
If this is my rite of passage that somehow leads me home
I might be afraid
But it's my turn to be brave
If this is the last chance before we say goodbye
At least it's the first day of the rest of my life
I can't be afraid
Cause it's my turn to be brave

And I might still cry
And I might still bleed
These thorns in my side
This heart on my sleeve
And lightening may strike
This ground at my feet
And I might still crash
But I still believe

This is the moment I stand here all alone
With everything I have inside, everything I own
I might be afraid
But it's my turn to be brave
If this is the last time before we say goodbye
At least it's the first day of the rest of my life
I can't be afraid
Cause it's my turn to be brave

-Idina Menzl, Brave

Pieces

 

Flashback:

It's the summer before my junior year of high school and we are house boating with our good friends. Julie has always been one of best friends, from the time she was a newborn and I was eighteen months old and would sit by her basket at play group instead of running around with the other toddlers. Throughout my life I've had friends that I've viewed as my equals, and unfortunately friends that I've viewed as inferior to myself, and a few good friends who I've always felt inferior to. Julie was one those. She was always lifting me up- complementing me on all the things I hated about myself, comparing me to Vada in My Girl (my favorite movie), and generally telling me what a good a friend I was- but Julie was perfect in my mind and I was… well, we won't even go there.

At lunch I started serving Julie making sure she had everything she needed before I even thought about getting anything for myself. My mom interjected- here I was serving Julie hand and foot and Julie had spent all day jet skiing with Todd, she hadn't said two words to me. But I didn't care- it was Julie and I was going to give her everything I could.

This is just one example- one person, one day. I think part of the reason I ridiculously serve and shower with gifts certain friends is because I am trying to make-up for myself. I hold these particular friends with high esteem and I want to do anything I can to repay them for the incredible blessings they've been in my life- I give tangibly because I don't think I can be as good of a friend to them as they are to me. And while some part of me would like attention, appreciation, love in return, mostly I just want them to be happy. I knew Julie would spend the rest of the day with Todd, but I wanted to make her sandwich anyway, for me the action was repayment, not bribery.

Maybe this is why you can't really love someone unless you love yourself. Maybe it's not healthy to have friends I love enough to do anything for, when I'm doing everything for them as repayment for them being stuck with me. Even when I feel like I love a friend so much I could burst and I want everything for their happiness (whether I have to sacrifice myself for it or whether they get it from someone/somewhere else), maybe that isn't real love. Perhaps a loving relationship is one of equality- but is it really ok to love yourself as much as you love another person? My healthiest friendships are the "equal" ones, like with my old roommate LR, but when I think of loving myself more I feel like I'd love others less. I can't lurk, I can't huddle in a corner. Even now tears stream down my face as my body thrashes with pain, confusion, and sorrow. I have to stand alone- I have to be complete on my own and in love with myself. Somewhere deep inside there is a knowledge, although I can't see it to understand it, that I can only give myself in love if I have love for myself and I can't love my friends with everything I have if I don't have love for myself. I know this idea of loving yourself before being able to love others has been slammed into my face by more than just the Lifehouse song, but I thought just saying I love myself was enough. I feel so much love already it's hard to imagine being able to feel more for other people, but these contorted relationships that pop out throughout my life can't be healthy, the scariest part being that maybe they aren't love then? But that's not true. I know I love to my greatest capacity so perhaps I just can't give love until I give it to myself. And right now I can't expect or try to make those I love happy/healthy when I'm not doing anything to make myself happy/healthy.

Law and Order: SVU

I don't remember the exact episode (because I watch way too much of this show for my own good), but it really frightened me. A woman was dating a rapist/sexual sadist and the detective confronted her on what this man would make her do in the bedroom. Her response was that she loved him so much that she always wanted to do whatever he asked her.

My mom:

Dependent. She believes that she can't function without me. I need to believe I can function on my own. Love isn't needing to be with someone else in order to properly operate.

Wow- this really strays from the reason I created this blog!

    

Bless Them That Curse You

I actually went to church today. It was a last minute decision and when I arrived at ten minutes after noon, hoping I hadn't missed the passing of the Sacrament, I realized church started at 1pm- not at 12pm. I sat down in the lobby and started flipping through last December's Ensign and I suddenly understood why I hate coming to church- instead of feeling the Spirit I am flooded with anger at the hypocrisy. I probably should have connected these two things earlier but as I've struggled with depression throughout my life I've always labored to get myself to church. I apparently never recognized that my recent string of absences was caused by something beyond the self-loathing that's kept me from church in the past.

Then an article on forgiveness caught my eye- it was on forgiving those that have hurt you. I know that I have to find a way to let my anger at the Church subside before my own faith is able to grow- if I hate the Church to much to fully believe in Christ and the miracles He can create in my life how am I going to be happy? The author quoted Matthew 5:44, "Love your enemies, bless them that curse you, do good to them that hate you, and pray for them which despitefully use you, and persecute you." The next scripture continues, "That ye may be the children of your Father which is in Heaven." Yes, those who do not follow this creed, those that are hating anyone who is different, those who are evil and closed minded, are not being the children of their Father in Heaven, but I'm not being His child either. I have abhorrence for all the Prop 8 supporters, in no less degree than have a detestation of homosexuals. I can preach Christlike love- the love I have for so many- but I am not Christlike. As of now I have no love for the hypocritical, pain causing members of this Church. I need to do better. I need to pray for their pain to decrease, for their eyes to open, and for their hearts to feel love. I need to pray for them to receive Christ's true spirit and for them to obtain an increase in knowledge. I need to sit with them (which means going to church) just as Christ sat with the publicans and sinners.

I'm not there yet and I left church right after the Sacrament was passed- but it's a start.

Me

I started this blog as an outlet for my thoughts and frustrations regarding the church and homosexuality, but more and more I want to write about myself. There is something freeing in expressing myself in a void of anonymity. And I always appreciate the comments and input.

I feel lost, like I am drowning. Polarized, unconnected to my life and myself. For as long as I can remember I have always had plans- I worked through undergrad so I could get to grad school, I worked through grad school so I could become an actress, I went overseas to find myself and volunteer before dedicating my life to acting. Then I decided to join the Peace Corps and I am now at home living with my mother with no clue of where I am suppose to be or what I am suppose to be doing in the year it will take me to get into the Corps. I want to be with my best friend, but shouldn't I be independent? Shouldn't I be able to make plans that don't involve other people? I'm more happy when I'm with my friends than when I'm living alone with my mom, does that mean I'm dependent on my friends?

I want to love myself, really love myself, but I don't know how to get there. When you love yourself do you stop craving love from other people? Are you able to give love without needing to receive it? Where is the line that divides wanting to do things for other people and putting those you love first (Christlike attributes) from not standing up for yourself?

My faith is gone- driven out by my anger towards a hypocritical church that continues to push G-d's children off of bridges, a church that has hurt some of its most amazing members, a church that has torn apart Californian families. And yet I expect others to have faith, I even have faith for them. Why can't I believe that something good is in store for me the way I know there must be something good in store for all of you amazing strugglers? Why can't I accept that Christ suffered all that I have and that He knows all of my pains, even though they are less than so many others have experienced? I have to trust in what I preach- I can't believe that my best friend will somehow be given the wonderful blessings he deserves and that I won't receive happiness just because I haven't suffered as much. So many of you have sacrificed everything for this church because it is so much a part of you and the only thing I need to sacrifice right now is fear. Why is that so hard? Why can't I just have faith that things will get better, that I will have a family and a marriage some day, that I will find myself and find happiness, and that things will work out for the best? If I know He lives and that He loves me then why can't I trust that He is here to help me, guide me, and to bring me peace- even joy? Do I somehow like being in this new hypnotic depression?

I am lost and the path I want is not on any of the maps in front of me.

General Conference Comments

These are my thoughts from General Conference, I've decided to put them together in one post, sorted by speaker and in the order they were given. It's a bit of a mess with various and scattered thoughts, but hopefully organizing it by talk it will make it easier for you to comment on; agreeing, disagreeing, answering questions, questioning. (The quotes aren't perfect so please check other sources for the exact wording)

President Monson- I do think we need something here- whether or not it's perfect or true I believe man needs hope in order to survive this life.

Robert Hales- I was very intrigued by his comparison between economics and addiction and the concept that we need to live providently both economically and spiritually. When he spoke of us not needing the comforts and joys our neighbors have does that also include gay marriage? Is provident living finding happiness and joy within our financial and Gospel boundaries? He cautioned us to ask ourselves if we need and if we can afford worldly things before we buy, consume, or engage in them- what are the financial and spiritual costs. Is this what participating in a gay relationships is, just a question of worldly and temporal actions and a measurement of their costs? Can we afford not living the commandments as they are laid out for us? Can we afford a different type of love? "Do you want this now or do you want your dream trip later?" Is living a gay life now an antithesis to having Celestial glory later?

Margret Lifferth- I love hypocrisy!! I think the whole Church needs to listen to her talk and learn to have respect and love for ALL of Heavenly Father's children- especially those whose political views and lifestyle choices clash with our ideas of righteousness and truth.

D. Todd Christofferson- I thought of all the homosexuals in our church when he spoke of saints being worthy to suffer shame for Christ's name. Those who are honest with themselves and with their family and friends are living the way Heavenly Father made them and they are spreading Christ's love- they are the ones who are suffering shame for Christ's name and they are the ones deserving the blessings such adversity warrants.

Henry B. Eyring- This talk was filled with the principles I pray for to be true, the principles that bring justice and hope to this painful and discriminatory world. Christ took on ALL of our pain and He not only knows how we feel, but He knows how to succor us. Just as Joseph Smith was promised as he suffered in some of his deepest agony- our trials are for our good. The choices we make in our adversity prepare us for eternity- so if there really is an eternity our trials are blessings and our sufferings will be made up for. Christ has suffered this- whatever is right or wrong or more right we all have the opportunity to be like the Lord. He loves us all and He will rescue the faithful (although I'm not sure what being faithful really entails when it pertains to being gay and Mormon). We are here to help and share and give to others and the Lord will bless us with the strength to accomplish this.

M. Russell Ballard- Um… more hypocrisy. I understand that these men have to be hypocritical because what they believe, what they don't just come out and say, are the things that are not of Christ. How could they stand on the pulpit and condemn any of Heavenly Father's children when Christ teaches us to love and rebukes us from judging others? Our past is full of mistakes- are we learning the right lessons from them?

Kevin W. Pearson- Personal obedience is a choice (wow- everyone should have a right to decide who they want to marry and how they want to live!!- shocking!!) I do believe that disbelief leads to disobedience, but is there a different eternal consequence for those who sin because they no longer believe (or are tired of trying to believe) as opposed to those who know the truth of the Church, having no doubt about the commandments, and still choose to sin? Perhaps this doesn't even matter- the Lord knows what is in our heart and what our motives are and maybe we just have to make our choices and live with whatever the consequences are. If you don't know if the church is true you won't find out by leaving it any more than you can find out by living obediently waiting for confirmation. And if you don't believe it… Maybe the Lord expects us to make our decisions for ourselves- without having all the answers and without having an understanding of homosexuality and its relation to the commandments and scriptures that have been revealed to date. Can it be true that if we believe in the Church we need to follow these laws or suffer the consequence- that black and white? "Doubt is not from Christ-" at least we know Christ wants us to believe in him :P

Russell M. Nelson- We need to forgive others- this teaching should include forgiving those whose lifestyles offend ours! As we work to be one we need to focus on being one with our neighbors- I don't think persecution and judgment are the best ways to accomplish this oneness.

<Sunday Morning is still coming>

Dallin H. Oaks- Anger. LDS gays are sacrificing themselves, their families, their friends, and their church, what the hell pain have those supporting prop 8 faced? I was saddened as he spoke of the impressive corporative nature and ability saints have because I thought of all the goodness we could be doing in the world- all the love, help, and understanding we could bring to our own suffering members and to our drowning families and country, not to the political groups Oaks referenced. Wouldn't being the precious individuals he spoke of involve each of us personally choosing to live the Gospel and not imposing it on others? And how is being one (prop 8 allies) with every other judgmental Christian church not having Satan "shift us as wheat?" And I don't agree, as Oaks said, that we have a different destiny- the Lord wants ALL His children to receive eternal life and glory- He wants ALL of us back. I also wondered how we are supposed to live selfless lives when so much of Church doctrine teaches that our goal in life is to attain salvation. How is striving for individual exaltation selfless?

Gary E. Stevenson- His focus on Temple marriage left me questioning what piece of the salvation puzzle is missing. There must be something more, something beyond our knowledge and understanding, because there are so many Temple marriages that are not holy, loving, or happy and there are many other marriages that are loving and happy, in addition to a throng of straight, gay, and bisexual individuals that will never marry.

Jose A. Teixeira- Heavenly Father wants us and He'll make it possible for us to return- Christ sacrificed everything for us and Their love is beyond understanding, sure, and all encompassing. The Lord gives us power to choose because He trusts and respects our freedom, He loves us. It sucks and I hate it, but as I've already touched on, I think we have to feel and trust the Spirit. We have to make decisions based on our faith without knowing all the purposes and reasons (and I don't mean follow blindly, but pray and listen to the Holy Ghost). We have to act sometimes before we can know- maybe the Lord does expect all of us to follow the law of chastity regardless of our struggles and without understanding the injustice of it. We might have to choose and to take a stand based on our heart and our knowledge and our testimony of Christ and based on what we want, now and later, instead of waiting for the prophet to give a solution, a revelation, a denunciation. African American LDS had to suffer faithfully for over a century after the Restoration. "If we live by what we've received we'll be blessed." The Lord knows the suffering we all face, the suffering that you face that I can't begin to imagine, and I know He is filled with love and Mercy. We all have to make decisions and suffer the consequences, temporal, spiritual, earthly, and eternal consequences- but I can't imagine the Lord punishing any child for loving, regardless of who His child is giving that love to (not lust). I question my faith, wondering if life can be as difficult and inequitable as it seems with special blessing being given to those who are obedient, but I will refuse to be with a Heavenly Father who casts out a child because he or she has been in gay relationships or a gay marriage.

F. Michael Watson- The Book of Mormon brings us closer to the Lord than any other book- but this book really doesn't mention homosexuality so there are many ways to grow close to the Lord, although as far as we know it seems that there are greater blessing given to those who grow close to the Lord through following all His commandments.

L. Tom Perry- We should focus on saving the sheep in our fold- we need to save the gay members of this church who are on that cliff- one step away from death and afraid of the strangers who preach heartlessly from church pulpits and classrooms. Please tell me what I, an outsider hurting for those inside and screaming at the hypocrisy that shatters the spirit, can do to help! We do need to open our mouths and share our feelings and knowledge with the rest of the church members, whether or not they want to listen. First time is to tell of Christ's gift to ALL mankind, second is our testimony of the First Vision, and third is telling of the truth of the Book of Mormon. The pain that our gay members face, the equality that is needed, and the respect for other's agency are all parts of these three pieces- let's open our mouths. We need to be spiritual shepherds to the ones who are lost and alone and to the members who are blind and deaf to the cries of the injured.

President Monson- If we fully believe in this Church then do we sacrifice our own lives, making sure we are worthy for the Temple, to save others through Temple work?

I will strive to be faithful even though I'm unsure. I will try to live the Gospel even when I don't want to. I will work to be active in the Church although I don't agree with everything. I will share Christ's love because I know He lives and I know He died for all of us and suffered all our pains. I will continue to support gay rights.

"It may seem simple, all the little things you do, but the lives you touch matter so much and there is no one else like you and Father needs you to stand tall and faithful, to be all you can be. Oh, if you could see what he sees, you'd believe in what you're doing and you'd believe in who you are. So hold tight to the truth that you're a [child] of [His], believe in who you're becoming, believe in who you are." - Who You Are, Hilary Weeks

Love

At Conference Robert Hales spoke of his desire to buy extravagant gifts for his wife as an expression of his love and appreciation for her. Reflecting on his wife's response to the proposal, Hales realized his desire was a selfish one- he wanted to show his love for her more than give her the things she valued most. I began to evaluate this in regards to the love I have for my best friend. In addition to saving my life, my best friend is amazing and fun and I love him to death and I love being with him and around him- faults and everything. This deep love has stirred an unsettling feeling where I want to make him happy and I want to be special in his life and hold a place in his heart. Hales's talk made me realize the selfish aspects of loving my best friend in this way. If I truly love him, even in the way Christ loves us, I will only pray and wish for my best friend's happiness, I won't desire to be the one that fulfills him in all the ways he deserves to be fulfilled and the one who always makes him happy.

 

Frustration

Thoughts from Sacrament Meeting, 3/29

Is living the Gospel part way a cop-out? Do we have many strings that connect us to Heavenly Father, each one a commandment or covenant that we are keeping, and only cutting some of them (breaking some commandments) is better than having no strings?

Are we having our cake and eating it too if we participate in church as much as it fits our lifestyle, as much as we are allowed to according to how we've chosen to live? Is it hypocritical to get as close to the Spirit and to blessings of the Church as possible without giving up the earthly love and happiness of gay marriage? Is this the better way to be- with some strings attached? Should the Church move in this direction, welcoming gay couples to the extent that current revelation allows (which would exclude Temple, Priesthood, and full standing)? Is the next step to evaluate partial membership and have callings and public prayers offered by those who are in gay marriages? I mean, can't investigators offer public prayers? Does the Lord want His children as close as their decisions allow them to be? Would this help children of gay parents grow up with the blessings of the Church and the teachings of Christ? How better can we be examples of He who ate with publicans and sinners than to welcome all those who want to draw close to Him?

Or is our Church too provisional? Heavenly Father's love is not conditional on our actions and on our obedience, our salvation and exaltation may be conditional on these things, but not His love for us. Is it all or nothing? If we believe in the Gospel we are expected to follow all the commandments- even those which involve sacrificing ourselves. But what about those who still believe in Christ and the Church and have chosen, as the Lord lets us, to live temporally and enjoy earthly love and sex with a spouse they are truly aroused by and deeply attracted to. Are they suppose to leave the Church because they are not sacrificing everything? What about the members who marry non-members outside of the Temple and still come to church?

Do you stay active in a church you know is far from perfect because it is the closest to truth we have? Do you trust all the words and teachings that ask us to live by current precepts even if they hurt and don't make sense?

What if our eternal selves are gay and autistic, and whatever they are here, and we just live perfectly with who we are in the next life? Maybe things that challenge us here give us a greater capacity for perfection in the next life because we've learned, struggled, and grown so much on earth. Physical and mental disabilities might not be imperfections, just as being gay isn't a disability, an imperfection, or something that needs fixing. There could be something beyond sex and attraction in the next life. An understanding of the commandments we follow here and a component of the plan that restores what was sacrificed on earth without gays suddenly becoming straight in the next life.

Obstinate Roots

Still in great disarray from Prayers for Bobby my faith was slowly rekindled, 3/22

My testimony of the Savior is too strong to go away- I know His love and truth. I've been working to strengthen this testimony, to know and understand, for over 8 years and now as I question the Church in ways I've never questioned it I realize the weight of my testimony of Christ. It won't go away- it can't because I KNOW He is true. And then when I think of other Christian churches I see all the places they fall short of Christ's teachings. Even if this church is far from perfect it's the closest we have- Christ is absolute but as a church we fall short in our humanity. So what is blindly following? Following what doesn't make sense and might only exist because of mans' imperfections? Our church isn't perfect so what do we do? If I know Christ is true then I know certain teachings must also be true- even if I don't want them to be. The speaker at sacrament just said, "He knows the way…He knows our pains because He has endured them…He won't ask us to do something He hasn't." So maybe Christ is the only thing that makes sense in this world. We have to suffer here because the world is miserable and being human sucks, and since we have to endure it to become like Heavenly Father Christ also came to endure all things. His life not only saves us from damnation, but from the hell that is life on earth.

Prayers for Bobby

 

I guess I expected this movie to be influential, to help other people see the love G-d has for everyone, the pain that those with closed minds can inflict on the suffering. I didn't expect to be so shaken by it. I think I made it about 10 minutes into the movie before I started crying and then I didn't think I'd be able to stop crying, even after the movie ended. It's been several hours now and if I don't really think about the movie I'm able to keep dry eyes.

My faith is shaken. Maybe that is one of the contributing factors to my current emotional wreckage. I thought I'd found the balance. I thought I'd come close to aligning the Church with homosexuality, but I'm more confused and torn now than ever before. I just seem to be drifting further from the platform of truth I thought I was standing on.

Is there really any consequence to going from a faithful LDS to an active homosexual? Are there more blessing if you choose to marry in the Temple or stay celibate than if you choose gay relationships/marriage? Is the church wrong? Should we be questioning, are the laws on homosexuality outdated and not eternal? I thought it was a test, given perhaps to the strongest among G-d's children, and that the most important thing was to sacrifice the carnal for the eternal, but is that true? What about these thoughts of gay being eternal? How can love be against G-d? Does He really want all of us to be in loving hetero marriages if we can be? Is our purpose as children of G-d to use our most divine powers of procreation to build families- to bring more of His spirit children to earth, to love them in a mother/father family? If we choose otherwise, give into our physical needs, is that less right? Does G-d want us to be "strong," to follow the commandments at the point of sacrificing ourselves?

My heart is heavy and broken I'm seeing, far more clearly, the complete schism between our Church and homosexuality. There will be a sacrifice for everyone- even when you accept your sexuality and are open, if you want to be fully active in the Church you can't be active in your sexuality.

Is this Church really true? Is there really a plan? Is there anything after this life? Why isn't it fair here?

Sucking

This is when it is so hard- when you love someone but you can't help them. When they won't turn to you or open up to you because you are not like them. It's fine to turn to other people that understand and that are going through or have been through the same things, but if you have a friend that you really love you should at least share something with him or her as well. I can't do anything if I don't know what the problem is. Not to mention how hurt I feel being pushed away, being stuck at the end of the bed on the other side of the wall. How can love exist through a wall- it can't touch the other person if it never reaches them. I don't deserve to be pushed away whenever my friend is upset. I haven't been through the trials he has, I don't understand them, but I still love him and support him every way I can. I won't grow in understanding and our friendship won't grow if I am left out-if I am pushed away.

I understand privacy and space, but at least some words would help. I had feeling helpless, useless, and left out.