If a simple seed gets just what it needs,

Then a redwood tree can grow,
Up to a hundred feet for the world to see,
And endure the sleet and the snow.

But if my whole life,
Was wrapped in price,
I wonder what the tag would show.
‘Cuz every time I’m close to the Holy Ghost,
I always seem to let her go.

-The Classic Crime

Wednesday, December 24, 2008

Weightless

A part of me knows I am also an outsider, I KNOW I will never understand what struggles gay mormons go through- or the struggles all homosexuals go through. But I deeply love a gay mormon and I hurt and cry with him and for him- for everyone and especially for the Church.

When I converted eight years ago the doctrine on homosexuality was the only doctrine I had difficulty with- I tried to sweep my concern and disagreement under the rug and just focus on the strong testimony I had in the truth of the Gospel. Now, it's a central issue in my connection to the Church.

Sunday Meeting

Our lesson this week was on persecution. As soon as the teacher mentioned prop 8 I basically stopped listening. I am sick of it- I am sick of hearing about it every Sunday- and I am not even in California!! I am coming to my blog to share the few thoughts I did have during church- I'm sick of keeping all these ideas inside.

First of all, I think that persecution (beginning of 3 Nephi) does not only come because we are doing something right and the evil world is opposing it (as my teacher suggested). The Lord uses persecution to chastise His people- how come no one is looking at why the Lord may be chastising us with these post-prop 8 persecutions? Why is everyone assuming it is the saints versus Satan's legions? Can't we look at our sins as a church and scourge ourselves of the impurities that the Lord may be chastising us for? Can we really be so proud and lazy that we automatically say our suffering is brought on by the evil world and not by our own sins?

Another point that was brought up during Sunday school was that we need persecutions to be strong. What in the world?? How much better would we be if we could stand strong in our faith, our love, and our principles without being harassed by others? Aren't our testimonies strong enough that we can hold to the iron rod without being persecuted from the outside world? Our teacher read about the sufferings of the nephites and explained how hard it would have been for them to not apostatize since the opposition against them was so fierce. No, I think that the persecutions that bring on apostasy, the hatred that pushes members out of the church, does not come from the outside, but it is the persecutions from inside the church, like the ones many saints are currently dishing out to our ssa members that bring apostasy.

In Sacrament meeting one of the talks was on truth and how without truth we cannot be saved. I smirked with agitation as the speaker read from John 8:32, "And ye shall know the truth and the truth shall make you free." Our church does not seem to welcome honest individual truth. Am I truthful about my family and my past? No, because many saints will not understand or accept my truths. The speaker went on to say how our world would be free of problems if each person was entirely honest. I thought about all those who are silent about their homosexuality and all those who live in self-hatred and denial because of such feelings. How does our church encourage honesty and self truth? Bottom line is that it doesn't. Many seem to think that "the truth shall make you free" does not apply to those whose truths lie outside of the church culture box. Why can't we embrace truth as a church, why are we not following this central piece of Christ's teachings? Freedom does not come from hiding and suppressing who we are- this freedom only comes from truth. Without truth we don't have agency because if we don't know honesty from lies and good from evil we don't have choices. We have to know the truth of the Gospel before we have the ability to choose which paths we want to tread down. I don't know that I have a right to make this next statement because I don't, nor will I ever be able to, understand being homosexual or homosexual and mormon, but it seems like freedom can only come to those who are truthful about their sexuality. I ache for those who are "in the closet" because they have no freedom to choose their own lifestyle- whether they would choose Gospel sanctioned heterosexual marriage or choose same sex relationships. If they are not honest, they have no options, no self love, and no self respect. I cry for those who are so strong and "out of the closet," whether to themselves, to their loved ones, or to their ward (thank you, Dichotomy), because our church does not embrace the wonderful truths these saints have found. How come we cannot embrace truth? Is it that our testimonies are so weak fear overcomes our desire for truth? It is easier for people to tell us they are fine when they are actually suffering, easier for our home or visiting teachees to tell us they don't need anything when they are in dire need of help, easier for us to believe everyone is straight because the true makes us hurt and question?

I did like that our teacher opened the class by saying, "Thank you all for coming out." Then he went into proposition 8 :)