Prayers for Bobby

 

I guess I expected this movie to be influential, to help other people see the love G-d has for everyone, the pain that those with closed minds can inflict on the suffering. I didn't expect to be so shaken by it. I think I made it about 10 minutes into the movie before I started crying and then I didn't think I'd be able to stop crying, even after the movie ended. It's been several hours now and if I don't really think about the movie I'm able to keep dry eyes.

My faith is shaken. Maybe that is one of the contributing factors to my current emotional wreckage. I thought I'd found the balance. I thought I'd come close to aligning the Church with homosexuality, but I'm more confused and torn now than ever before. I just seem to be drifting further from the platform of truth I thought I was standing on.

Is there really any consequence to going from a faithful LDS to an active homosexual? Are there more blessing if you choose to marry in the Temple or stay celibate than if you choose gay relationships/marriage? Is the church wrong? Should we be questioning, are the laws on homosexuality outdated and not eternal? I thought it was a test, given perhaps to the strongest among G-d's children, and that the most important thing was to sacrifice the carnal for the eternal, but is that true? What about these thoughts of gay being eternal? How can love be against G-d? Does He really want all of us to be in loving hetero marriages if we can be? Is our purpose as children of G-d to use our most divine powers of procreation to build families- to bring more of His spirit children to earth, to love them in a mother/father family? If we choose otherwise, give into our physical needs, is that less right? Does G-d want us to be "strong," to follow the commandments at the point of sacrificing ourselves?

My heart is heavy and broken I'm seeing, far more clearly, the complete schism between our Church and homosexuality. There will be a sacrifice for everyone- even when you accept your sexuality and are open, if you want to be fully active in the Church you can't be active in your sexuality.

Is this Church really true? Is there really a plan? Is there anything after this life? Why isn't it fair here?

Sucking

This is when it is so hard- when you love someone but you can't help them. When they won't turn to you or open up to you because you are not like them. It's fine to turn to other people that understand and that are going through or have been through the same things, but if you have a friend that you really love you should at least share something with him or her as well. I can't do anything if I don't know what the problem is. Not to mention how hurt I feel being pushed away, being stuck at the end of the bed on the other side of the wall. How can love exist through a wall- it can't touch the other person if it never reaches them. I don't deserve to be pushed away whenever my friend is upset. I haven't been through the trials he has, I don't understand them, but I still love him and support him every way I can. I won't grow in understanding and our friendship won't grow if I am left out-if I am pushed away.

I understand privacy and space, but at least some words would help. I had feeling helpless, useless, and left out.