I'm still engulfed in depression and like Hidden (http://hiddenaporia.blogspot.com/2009/04/drowning-pool.html) I realize I'm in the same place I was a year ago, two years ago, ten years ago. It's difficult when you think you've come so far and then you realize you're not any farther than you were before. The issues may be a little different, but I feel lost, confused, frustrated, hopeless, and alone all over again. Choices seem difficult, depressing, and nonexistent. Faith seems impossible and I wonder if I ever really had any. Happiness seems an unmanageable task away.
Last night my cat was cuddling with me (she isn't happy in my lap she has to be on my face) and I gained a little more Insight (http://a-struggler.blogspot.com/2009/04/self-abuse.html). My cat has self-esteem. She comes up to me, without second guessing herself, and lays down crying for affection. She doesn't hate herself and she doesn't assume everyone hates her. I guess Satan doesn't have much pull on animals :P
My blog is becoming my self-loathing ground of scattered thoughts and I apologize for that. I don't know if I want help or attention, I think it's probably some of both that I'm craving. I know I wouldn't be trying to sort out my feelings if I didn't want to get better, but I also know I'm a lot further from "well" then I've tried to pretend for the past several months.
2 comments:
If you haven't been well, then you've come to the right place. At least I have found my blog to be good therapy. I hope it does the same for you.
Hang in there. Don't let Hidden's mood bring you down. Instead, try to find a way to get yourself to higher ground so that you can help pull him up with you.
I wish I knew better how to help both of you. I think the best I can do is pray for you, and hopefully that will be enough!
Thank you for the prayers and most of all thank you for the comments- they really help. I hope as I take my blog to the next level I'll feel a bit of the relief and direction therapy always brings.
I do need to get on higher ground, most of all for myself, but also so I can pull Hidden up (if he will ever accept help). I just don't know how.
Post a Comment