I feel sick to my stomach right now and I don't think it's because what I'm doing is wrong, I think it's because it's right. So here comes some of the 'verbal diarrhea' I occasionally fall victim to. My blog is now entirely honest- it is all of me. I need to be in therapy again but first I need to find a job so that I know where I'm going to be living before I start with a new therapist. For now my blog is going to be my therapy and Sz you sure as hell better be proud of me for that :P
I was talking to a friend last night and he asked me what I wanted. I gave him some random answers as I let the truth stay hidden in my soul- I want to be with my best friend and I want him to be in love with me. I've never been in love until now- I think I'm in love with my best friend who is gay and LDS (and he's a guy- if it was a girl who was gay who I'd fallen in love with it would be a whole different story- with other problems). In my heart I know that this isn't what G-d has in store, and I know that is right and good (us not being together in that way), but that doesn't mean I'm happy with it.
I knew he was gay from the moment I met him, I wasn't attracted to him, and never expected to fall in love with him. As time went on I realized how amazing he was, how much fun we had, how I loved being with him (even it was just on the phone), and how much I trusted him, and somewhere I became attracted to him. Yet, I think a large part of being in love with him is because I feel safe with him. I was molested when I was a child and I guess I have issues with males. My best friend is the first boy I've ever held hands with, the first boy who ever put his arm around me, and the first boy I've ever cuddled with. It's a strange dichotomy because while I am in love with him, being with him isn't really sexual. I love cuddling with him because it's safe- I feel safe in his arms in a way I've never felt secure and protected before. Sometimes, though, I definitely want to make out with him (generally I think making out is disgusting- not that I've done it- it just seems like it would be). Letting myself have sexual feelings is a new step for me, up until recently I felt like a devil child even if I thought a boy was cute. I believed I was one of the third who followed Satan, only someone made a mistake and I ended up with a body (that's how guilty I felt over what happened to me when I was little). But that was biology- and I was a child- I was innocent. I am clean. That's aside from the whole being in love with my best friend ordeal though. I think another large part of what I want more than anything right now (which is to be with my best friend, have him in love with me, and eventually marry him) is because I want to save him. I don't think that he will go to hell or anything if he is with boys or marries one, and I think if he wants to he will find a girl he's in love with to marry, but I don't want him to have to wait. If he was in love with me I feel as though it would take away his pain. I don't want him to suffer anymore and it's not because I feel sorry for him or indebted to him, it is because I love him; pure, simple, Christlike love. Now I might not be healthy enough to give love properly, but I do have love for people. I know it's not right, but it'd be so easy- I love him and I'm probably in love with him and if he were in love with me he could be happy. He'd have someone he loved who loved him back (who would work really hard to give him a good sex life). He could have a family and not be alone, he could have peace.
But I know he's not in love with me and I know I'm not healthy enough to give him the love he deserves, or receive the love I deserve. I know in my heart we're probably always and only going to be best friends. And for now that is right. I need to love myself before I can healthy give my love to someone- I can't save someone before saving myself and even though I love him so much I have to accept that I might not be the lifeboat he needs. Even if you are in love with someone it can't be healthy that you want them to be in love with you so that they can be happy, can it?
I am terrified to love myself. I'm terrified to be in love. I'm terrified to have a boyfriend. I want to be in my best friends arms because I am always scared, and in his arms I'm not.
I watched another Law & Order: SVU tonight and that is actually what spurred me to write this post. Season 8, episode "Sin," a son tells his father that he cannot change being gay and the formerly gay bashing preacher responds lovingly, "You're my son." It hit me with a thin current of warmth, that's how all of this is, He loves us because we are His children- He has birthed us, He has created us. When gay couples come before Him on the last day I believe He will be like the father in this episode. He will hug His child and say, "You're my son." I also believe, although I can't explain the seemingly injustice of it, that special blessing come through the Temple. I know that as angry as I am at the Church there must be truth to it or I would be able to walk away from it; after all it's only been in my life about eight years. Those who have testimonies and are fortunate enough to find loved ones to be in mixed orientation marriages with, those who sacrifice their earthly (and possibly eternal) attractions, receive amazing blessings. I know blessing and love also come to those who choose relationships based on their attractions- like with Cog and his family. I know there will be reconciliation in all things, but I don't know how that will work or what it will involve. I know anything and everything we sacrifice here will be made up for and I know the Lord will have mercy if our hearts have been filled with love, regardless of the type. He will hold us and tell us we are His children- we will feel safe and we will feel love.
And to my best friend: I hope that as I'm brutally honest and as I start doing things for myself that I'm still able to make you happy sometimes- because you are my best friend and it makes me happy when my friendship makes you happy.
4 comments:
Sorry I didn't comment right away. Your post really hit home to me, and now I feel like I should express some of those thoughts.
Since Scott came out to me about 10 months ago, one thing that both of us have wondered is if we knew before we got married, would we have tied the knot anyway?
I believe that my choice would have been yes, but I am inclined to think that Scott would have decided no. I think he would have held out in the hopes of finding his true love, and maybe also in fear of not being enough for me.
As I think about this, I am more and more grateful that we did not know 14 years ago. I am grateful that I was able to marry my best friend, and that our commitment to each other and our strong friendship is keeping us together. I hope that it will always be that way.
But then sometimes I feel selfish, like I should let him go to find his love, but I don't want him to, so I can't let him. (Not that he has asked me to let him--he says he is happy, he is fine, that he can't imagine life without me.)
But there are times when we are watching a romantic gay movie, and I see that longing look in his eyes, and it just breaks my heart.
Such a struggle, and I am so sorry that you are going through it. Why are some of us blessed with the personality to love the gay guys? I wouldn't be surprised if someday I find out that every crush I've ever had has been on someone who likes guys. They are my best friends, my favorite students, etc.
Why us?
We're just the lucky ones, I guess. :)
Sarah- thank you so much for your response, it helps that I'm not alone. I'm glad you are married to your best friend and that it worked out for the both of you that you didn't know 14 years ago. You two are unbelievably strong and from everything I've read from both of you, I have to think Scott means what he says about you.
I guess I don't know my best friend well enough to know what he's holding out for- I never want him to settle with less than marrying someone he's in love with- I also don't want him to ever hold back because he doesn't think he's enough- or because he is too self-less to have a straight women marry him. If they were in love he would be more than any woman deserves.
Scott made a really great comment on one of my posts about love, and how if we didn't seek love and friendship we'd all just be alone. It is so complicated that I get really frustrated, but Scott helped me to see how love is part of Heavenly Father's plan. I just wish we could all have peace in love.
I don't think you're selfish at all (although I understand that feeling) I think you are incredible.
Almost all of the guys I have ever liked have turned out gay (I just thought it was because I'd been molested as a child). We are lucky to be blessed with such amazing people- I just wish they never had to suffer.
Tears and love sent your way. Thank you so much.
Miki and I have spent six happy years knowing the feelings I have. I think it comes down to the point of just how committed would you both be to the relationship, how big of a problem would his same-sex feelings be?
For me and Miki, not so big. For others, in other relationships, it might be more of an issue.
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