Perfection

My friend told me that we are all perfect in Heavenly Father's eyes and that life is about us realizing our own perfection through trial and error. I believe my friend's words in the sense that we are perfect to our Father, all child should be perfect to their parents, but we are also human and tempted and living in a world that is as much under the control of Satan, if not more, than it is influenced by G-d. It's the opening to A Tale of Two Cities or Jekyll and Hyde. We are an opposition in ourselves. According to this Plan, which my faith still wobbles around, we are Divine spirits sent to live in earthly bodies. There it is. The opposition is in the core of our existence. We have brilliant powers to save and equally strong powers to destroy, both ourselves and others, but our ability to create is far greater than our power to demolish (which means if I put forth half the effort into healing myself as I put into obliterating myself I would be an amazing force of light). But it is the steps we take that matter. My thoughts are full of self doubt and hatred, but I am moving to a better place, I am applying for jobs, I am getting help. Who we really are is found in our actions, not in our thoughts. We are scared of "what is lurking right behind the facade" (Jekyll and Hyde: The Musical), but it should be our choices, our actions, that frighten us, not our contemplations.

I still come back to the Savior, the rock (and perhaps only part left) of my testimony. He loves us, even in this imperfect climb we ascend to our perfection. He was perfect, but He felt all of our temptations, struggles, deaths. He suffered the torment of killing six million Jews, one million of whom were children. He has felt the remorse of the most violent and vile of sins. He knows all of our thoughts and desires and He LOVES us. Even when we choose wrong, even when we follow our earthly selves or Satan, He LOVES us- EACH OF US. I'm still internalizing His love for me, but I strongly testify of His love for all others and, at least in some small measure, I know He loves me too.

We are complex. We build up walls starting as children, shields that protect us from the pain we encounter in this hell. These walls separate us from others, from their feelings and needs, so while preventing our own pain we can more easily cause wounds in others. When we hurt we want others to suffer too and our high walls shelter us from feeling what we inflict on others. It is so plain to me that if we hate ourselves we will hate others, that if we are miserable we will impose that on others, so it should be easy for me to see how loving ourselves is the greatest love of all. When we love ourselves we acknowledge our maker and our Savior, and we give to Them when we love others. I think love is possible, even in the most difficult, trying, and unexpected places. If you have love, you can have peace. If you are content and honest with yourself and embark on a difficult journey love can blossom and grow. Even when it seems as though love always fails, I know that can't be true- no matter how unattainable it seems love would not be part of the plan if it wasn't good, beautiful, and achievable.

I know it's not supposed to be easy, but it is so frustratingly complicated, this life we are in, these bodies we are in, these choices we have to make, the eternal truths we need to accept or reject. This is from another girl's journal:

"It's twice as hard for us young ones to hold our ground, and maintain our opinions, in a time when all ideals are being shattered and destroyed, when people are showing their worst side, and do not know whether to believe in truth and right and in G-d."

"Finally I twist my heart round again, so that the bad is on the outside and the good is on the inside and keep on trying to find a way of becoming what I would so like to be and what I could be, if...there weren't any other people living in the world."

"That's the difficulty in these times, ideals, dreams, and cherished hopes rise within us, only to meet the horrible truth and be shattered. It's really a wonder that I haven't dropped all my ideals, because they seem so absurd and impossible to carry out. Yet I keep them, because in spite of everything I still believe that people are really good at heart.

I simply can't build up my hopes on a foundation consisting of confusion, misery, and death, I see the world gradually being turned into a wilderness, I hear the ever approaching thunder, which will destroy us too, I can feel the sufferings of millions and yet, if I look up to into the heavens, I think that it will all come right, that this cruelty too will end, and that peace and tranquility will return again."

~Anne Frank