Throwing the Dice

Sunrise like a nosebleed
Your head hurts and you can't breathe
You been tryin' to throw you arms around the world
How far you gonna go
Before you lose your way back home?

You've been trying to throw your arms around the world

–U2, Tryin' to Throw Your Arms Around the World

Sometimes I get really embarrassed, scared, unsure, and second guessing. I feel like that about my blog right now. Part of me wants to take it down and forget about this foreign outlet, yet earlier today I was ready to take my blog even further into the depths of my soul. I'm depressed, again. I need to progress, again. I went through this a year ago- I had a choice about doing something really difficult that would help move forward or just reverting. Now I can continue to climb even though it frightens me more than the darkest night or I can crawl into my shell hiding my head from the bloody knifes of self-esteem and standing alone. I know I won't be alone, alone, but if I take this step I'll learn to stand by myself and I'll learn to be ok with that. I won't be depended on pain. This is the song I kept on repeat when my grandma died.

Don't know just where I'm going
And tomorrow, it's a little overwhelming
And the air is cold
And I'm not the same anymore
I've been running in your direction
For too long now
I've lost my own reflection
And I can't look down
If you're not there to catch me when I fall.

If this is the moment I stand here on my own
If this is my rite of passage that somehow leads me home
I might be afraid
But it's my turn to be brave
If this is the last chance before we say goodbye
At least it's the first day of the rest of my life
I can't be afraid
Cause it's my turn to be brave

All along all I ever wanted, was to be the light
When your life was daunting
But I can't see mine
When I feel as though you're pushing me away
Well who's to blame, are we making the right choices
Cause we can't be sure if we're hearing our own voices
As we close the door even though we are so desperate to stay

If this is the moment I stand here on my own
If this is my rite of passage that somehow leads me home
I might be afraid
But it's my turn to be brave
If this is the last chance before we say goodbye
At least it's the first day of the rest of my life
I can't be afraid
Cause it's my turn to be brave

And I might still cry
And I might still bleed
These thorns in my side
This heart on my sleeve
And lightening may strike
This ground at my feet
And I might still crash
But I still believe

This is the moment I stand here all alone
With everything I have inside, everything I own
I might be afraid
But it's my turn to be brave
If this is the last time before we say goodbye
At least it's the first day of the rest of my life
I can't be afraid
Cause it's my turn to be brave

-Idina Menzl, Brave