I started this blog as an outlet for my thoughts and frustrations regarding the church and homosexuality, but more and more I want to write about myself. There is something freeing in expressing myself in a void of anonymity. And I always appreciate the comments and input.
I feel lost, like I am drowning. Polarized, unconnected to my life and myself. For as long as I can remember I have always had plans- I worked through undergrad so I could get to grad school, I worked through grad school so I could become an actress, I went overseas to find myself and volunteer before dedicating my life to acting. Then I decided to join the Peace Corps and I am now at home living with my mother with no clue of where I am suppose to be or what I am suppose to be doing in the year it will take me to get into the Corps. I want to be with my best friend, but shouldn't I be independent? Shouldn't I be able to make plans that don't involve other people? I'm more happy when I'm with my friends than when I'm living alone with my mom, does that mean I'm dependent on my friends?
I want to love myself, really love myself, but I don't know how to get there. When you love yourself do you stop craving love from other people? Are you able to give love without needing to receive it? Where is the line that divides wanting to do things for other people and putting those you love first (Christlike attributes) from not standing up for yourself?
My faith is gone- driven out by my anger towards a hypocritical church that continues to push G-d's children off of bridges, a church that has hurt some of its most amazing members, a church that has torn apart Californian families. And yet I expect others to have faith, I even have faith for them. Why can't I believe that something good is in store for me the way I know there must be something good in store for all of you amazing strugglers? Why can't I accept that Christ suffered all that I have and that He knows all of my pains, even though they are less than so many others have experienced? I have to trust in what I preach- I can't believe that my best friend will somehow be given the wonderful blessings he deserves and that I won't receive happiness just because I haven't suffered as much. So many of you have sacrificed everything for this church because it is so much a part of you and the only thing I need to sacrifice right now is fear. Why is that so hard? Why can't I just have faith that things will get better, that I will have a family and a marriage some day, that I will find myself and find happiness, and that things will work out for the best? If I know He lives and that He loves me then why can't I trust that He is here to help me, guide me, and to bring me peace- even joy? Do I somehow like being in this new hypnotic depression?
I am lost and the path I want is not on any of the maps in front of me.
3 comments:
"I'm more happy when I'm with my friends than when I'm living alone with my mom, does that mean I'm dependent on my friends?"
Independence means we don't rely on other people to fulfill our needs, but that doesn't mean we can't receive more fulfillment through our interactions with others.
If independence meant that we were at our absolute best when we were alone (and assuming independence is indeed the ideal that we should strive for) then a perfect world would be one in which every person was a hermit, tending to his own needs without ever seeing or speaking to another. Doesn't sound all that perfect to me.
You can be independent and still want to be with your friends.
"When you love yourself do you stop craving love from other people?"
I don't think so. The need to be loved is universal, and no matter how much we love ourselves, only the supremely arrogant or extremely confident can truly say that they don't care whether other people love them or not.
"Where is the line that divides wanting to do things for other people and putting those you love first (Christlike attributes) from not standing up for yourself?"
Christ freely gave to those who needed, but I don't think He would have allowed people to take from Him what wasn't offered. If we try to be aware of people's needs and do our best to fill those needs to the extent that we are able, we don't need to feel guilty for refusing to honor demands and expectations that we cannot meet.
I wish I could answer your questions re: faith, but I'm wandering a bit myself right now. If I find a map or a path, I'll be sure to show you the way.
Scott- thanks so much for your comments- I really appreciate them :)
It's good to know that a healthy, self-loving, independent person will enjoy life more with loved ones and will still desire to be loved. Hopefully I'll get to that person one day!
Christ did give up His happiness and health for us though- so what if we love so much we'll give up everything for someone else?
I was like you. I had plans. And then they didn't materialize, and I wondered what to do with myself. I live with my sister and her family and that has to be good enough for right now. But sometimes it feels like I'm still waiting. And I'm not sure what I'm waiting for.
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