Pieces

 

Flashback:

It's the summer before my junior year of high school and we are house boating with our good friends. Julie has always been one of best friends, from the time she was a newborn and I was eighteen months old and would sit by her basket at play group instead of running around with the other toddlers. Throughout my life I've had friends that I've viewed as my equals, and unfortunately friends that I've viewed as inferior to myself, and a few good friends who I've always felt inferior to. Julie was one those. She was always lifting me up- complementing me on all the things I hated about myself, comparing me to Vada in My Girl (my favorite movie), and generally telling me what a good a friend I was- but Julie was perfect in my mind and I was… well, we won't even go there.

At lunch I started serving Julie making sure she had everything she needed before I even thought about getting anything for myself. My mom interjected- here I was serving Julie hand and foot and Julie had spent all day jet skiing with Todd, she hadn't said two words to me. But I didn't care- it was Julie and I was going to give her everything I could.

This is just one example- one person, one day. I think part of the reason I ridiculously serve and shower with gifts certain friends is because I am trying to make-up for myself. I hold these particular friends with high esteem and I want to do anything I can to repay them for the incredible blessings they've been in my life- I give tangibly because I don't think I can be as good of a friend to them as they are to me. And while some part of me would like attention, appreciation, love in return, mostly I just want them to be happy. I knew Julie would spend the rest of the day with Todd, but I wanted to make her sandwich anyway, for me the action was repayment, not bribery.

Maybe this is why you can't really love someone unless you love yourself. Maybe it's not healthy to have friends I love enough to do anything for, when I'm doing everything for them as repayment for them being stuck with me. Even when I feel like I love a friend so much I could burst and I want everything for their happiness (whether I have to sacrifice myself for it or whether they get it from someone/somewhere else), maybe that isn't real love. Perhaps a loving relationship is one of equality- but is it really ok to love yourself as much as you love another person? My healthiest friendships are the "equal" ones, like with my old roommate LR, but when I think of loving myself more I feel like I'd love others less. I can't lurk, I can't huddle in a corner. Even now tears stream down my face as my body thrashes with pain, confusion, and sorrow. I have to stand alone- I have to be complete on my own and in love with myself. Somewhere deep inside there is a knowledge, although I can't see it to understand it, that I can only give myself in love if I have love for myself and I can't love my friends with everything I have if I don't have love for myself. I know this idea of loving yourself before being able to love others has been slammed into my face by more than just the Lifehouse song, but I thought just saying I love myself was enough. I feel so much love already it's hard to imagine being able to feel more for other people, but these contorted relationships that pop out throughout my life can't be healthy, the scariest part being that maybe they aren't love then? But that's not true. I know I love to my greatest capacity so perhaps I just can't give love until I give it to myself. And right now I can't expect or try to make those I love happy/healthy when I'm not doing anything to make myself happy/healthy.

Law and Order: SVU

I don't remember the exact episode (because I watch way too much of this show for my own good), but it really frightened me. A woman was dating a rapist/sexual sadist and the detective confronted her on what this man would make her do in the bedroom. Her response was that she loved him so much that she always wanted to do whatever he asked her.

My mom:

Dependent. She believes that she can't function without me. I need to believe I can function on my own. Love isn't needing to be with someone else in order to properly operate.

Wow- this really strays from the reason I created this blog!