If a simple seed gets just what it needs,

Then a redwood tree can grow,
Up to a hundred feet for the world to see,
And endure the sleet and the snow.

But if my whole life,
Was wrapped in price,
I wonder what the tag would show.
‘Cuz every time I’m close to the Holy Ghost,
I always seem to let her go.

-The Classic Crime

Thursday, April 30, 2009

Throwing the Dice

Sunrise like a nosebleed
Your head hurts and you can't breathe
You been tryin' to throw you arms around the world
How far you gonna go
Before you lose your way back home?

You've been trying to throw your arms around the world

–U2, Tryin' to Throw Your Arms Around the World

Sometimes I get really embarrassed, scared, unsure, and second guessing. I feel like that about my blog right now. Part of me wants to take it down and forget about this foreign outlet, yet earlier today I was ready to take my blog even further into the depths of my soul. I'm depressed, again. I need to progress, again. I went through this a year ago- I had a choice about doing something really difficult that would help move forward or just reverting. Now I can continue to climb even though it frightens me more than the darkest night or I can crawl into my shell hiding my head from the bloody knifes of self-esteem and standing alone. I know I won't be alone, alone, but if I take this step I'll learn to stand by myself and I'll learn to be ok with that. I won't be depended on pain. This is the song I kept on repeat when my grandma died.

Don't know just where I'm going
And tomorrow, it's a little overwhelming
And the air is cold
And I'm not the same anymore
I've been running in your direction
For too long now
I've lost my own reflection
And I can't look down
If you're not there to catch me when I fall.

If this is the moment I stand here on my own
If this is my rite of passage that somehow leads me home
I might be afraid
But it's my turn to be brave
If this is the last chance before we say goodbye
At least it's the first day of the rest of my life
I can't be afraid
Cause it's my turn to be brave

All along all I ever wanted, was to be the light
When your life was daunting
But I can't see mine
When I feel as though you're pushing me away
Well who's to blame, are we making the right choices
Cause we can't be sure if we're hearing our own voices
As we close the door even though we are so desperate to stay

If this is the moment I stand here on my own
If this is my rite of passage that somehow leads me home
I might be afraid
But it's my turn to be brave
If this is the last chance before we say goodbye
At least it's the first day of the rest of my life
I can't be afraid
Cause it's my turn to be brave

And I might still cry
And I might still bleed
These thorns in my side
This heart on my sleeve
And lightening may strike
This ground at my feet
And I might still crash
But I still believe

This is the moment I stand here all alone
With everything I have inside, everything I own
I might be afraid
But it's my turn to be brave
If this is the last time before we say goodbye
At least it's the first day of the rest of my life
I can't be afraid
Cause it's my turn to be brave

-Idina Menzl, Brave

Wednesday, April 29, 2009

Pieces


 

Flashback:

It's the summer before my junior year of high school and we are house boating with our good friends. Julie has always been one of best friends, from the time she was a newborn and I was eighteen months old and would sit by her basket at play group instead of running around with the other toddlers. Throughout my life I've had friends that I've viewed as my equals, and unfortunately friends that I've viewed as inferior to myself, and a few good friends who I've always felt inferior to. Julie was one those. She was always lifting me up- complementing me on all the things I hated about myself, comparing me to Vada in My Girl (my favorite movie), and generally telling me what a good a friend I was- but Julie was perfect in my mind and I was… well, we won't even go there.

At lunch I started serving Julie making sure she had everything she needed before I even thought about getting anything for myself. My mom interjected- here I was serving Julie hand and foot and Julie had spent all day jet skiing with Todd, she hadn't said two words to me. But I didn't care- it was Julie and I was going to give her everything I could.

This is just one example- one person, one day. I think part of the reason I ridiculously serve and shower with gifts certain friends is because I am trying to make-up for myself. I hold these particular friends with high esteem and I want to do anything I can to repay them for the incredible blessings they've been in my life- I give tangibly because I don't think I can be as good of a friend to them as they are to me. And while some part of me would like attention, appreciation, love in return, mostly I just want them to be happy. I knew Julie would spend the rest of the day with Todd, but I wanted to make her sandwich anyway, for me the action was repayment, not bribery.

Maybe this is why you can't really love someone unless you love yourself. Maybe it's not healthy to have friends I love enough to do anything for, when I'm doing everything for them as repayment for them being stuck with me. Even when I feel like I love a friend so much I could burst and I want everything for their happiness (whether I have to sacrifice myself for it or whether they get it from someone/somewhere else), maybe that isn't real love. Perhaps a loving relationship is one of equality- but is it really ok to love yourself as much as you love another person? My healthiest friendships are the "equal" ones, like with my old roommate LR, but when I think of loving myself more I feel like I'd love others less. I can't lurk, I can't huddle in a corner. Even now tears stream down my face as my body thrashes with pain, confusion, and sorrow. I have to stand alone- I have to be complete on my own and in love with myself. Somewhere deep inside there is a knowledge, although I can't see it to understand it, that I can only give myself in love if I have love for myself and I can't love my friends with everything I have if I don't have love for myself. I know this idea of loving yourself before being able to love others has been slammed into my face by more than just the Lifehouse song, but I thought just saying I love myself was enough. I feel so much love already it's hard to imagine being able to feel more for other people, but these contorted relationships that pop out throughout my life can't be healthy, the scariest part being that maybe they aren't love then? But that's not true. I know I love to my greatest capacity so perhaps I just can't give love until I give it to myself. And right now I can't expect or try to make those I love happy/healthy when I'm not doing anything to make myself happy/healthy.

Law and Order: SVU

I don't remember the exact episode (because I watch way too much of this show for my own good), but it really frightened me. A woman was dating a rapist/sexual sadist and the detective confronted her on what this man would make her do in the bedroom. Her response was that she loved him so much that she always wanted to do whatever he asked her.

My mom:

Dependent. She believes that she can't function without me. I need to believe I can function on my own. Love isn't needing to be with someone else in order to properly operate.

Wow- this really strays from the reason I created this blog!

    

Sunday, April 26, 2009

Bless Them That Curse You

I actually went to church today. It was a last minute decision and when I arrived at ten minutes after noon, hoping I hadn't missed the passing of the Sacrament, I realized church started at 1pm- not at 12pm. I sat down in the lobby and started flipping through last December's Ensign and I suddenly understood why I hate coming to church- instead of feeling the Spirit I am flooded with anger at the hypocrisy. I probably should have connected these two things earlier but as I've struggled with depression throughout my life I've always labored to get myself to church. I apparently never recognized that my recent string of absences was caused by something beyond the self-loathing that's kept me from church in the past.

Then an article on forgiveness caught my eye- it was on forgiving those that have hurt you. I know that I have to find a way to let my anger at the Church subside before my own faith is able to grow- if I hate the Church to much to fully believe in Christ and the miracles He can create in my life how am I going to be happy? The author quoted Matthew 5:44, "Love your enemies, bless them that curse you, do good to them that hate you, and pray for them which despitefully use you, and persecute you." The next scripture continues, "That ye may be the children of your Father which is in Heaven." Yes, those who do not follow this creed, those that are hating anyone who is different, those who are evil and closed minded, are not being the children of their Father in Heaven, but I'm not being His child either. I have abhorrence for all the Prop 8 supporters, in no less degree than have a detestation of homosexuals. I can preach Christlike love- the love I have for so many- but I am not Christlike. As of now I have no love for the hypocritical, pain causing members of this Church. I need to do better. I need to pray for their pain to decrease, for their eyes to open, and for their hearts to feel love. I need to pray for them to receive Christ's true spirit and for them to obtain an increase in knowledge. I need to sit with them (which means going to church) just as Christ sat with the publicans and sinners.

I'm not there yet and I left church right after the Sacrament was passed- but it's a start.

Friday, April 24, 2009

Me

I started this blog as an outlet for my thoughts and frustrations regarding the church and homosexuality, but more and more I want to write about myself. There is something freeing in expressing myself in a void of anonymity. And I always appreciate the comments and input.

I feel lost, like I am drowning. Polarized, unconnected to my life and myself. For as long as I can remember I have always had plans- I worked through undergrad so I could get to grad school, I worked through grad school so I could become an actress, I went overseas to find myself and volunteer before dedicating my life to acting. Then I decided to join the Peace Corps and I am now at home living with my mother with no clue of where I am suppose to be or what I am suppose to be doing in the year it will take me to get into the Corps. I want to be with my best friend, but shouldn't I be independent? Shouldn't I be able to make plans that don't involve other people? I'm more happy when I'm with my friends than when I'm living alone with my mom, does that mean I'm dependent on my friends?

I want to love myself, really love myself, but I don't know how to get there. When you love yourself do you stop craving love from other people? Are you able to give love without needing to receive it? Where is the line that divides wanting to do things for other people and putting those you love first (Christlike attributes) from not standing up for yourself?

My faith is gone- driven out by my anger towards a hypocritical church that continues to push G-d's children off of bridges, a church that has hurt some of its most amazing members, a church that has torn apart Californian families. And yet I expect others to have faith, I even have faith for them. Why can't I believe that something good is in store for me the way I know there must be something good in store for all of you amazing strugglers? Why can't I accept that Christ suffered all that I have and that He knows all of my pains, even though they are less than so many others have experienced? I have to trust in what I preach- I can't believe that my best friend will somehow be given the wonderful blessings he deserves and that I won't receive happiness just because I haven't suffered as much. So many of you have sacrificed everything for this church because it is so much a part of you and the only thing I need to sacrifice right now is fear. Why is that so hard? Why can't I just have faith that things will get better, that I will have a family and a marriage some day, that I will find myself and find happiness, and that things will work out for the best? If I know He lives and that He loves me then why can't I trust that He is here to help me, guide me, and to bring me peace- even joy? Do I somehow like being in this new hypnotic depression?

I am lost and the path I want is not on any of the maps in front of me.

Monday, April 6, 2009

General Conference Comments

These are my thoughts from General Conference, I've decided to put them together in one post, sorted by speaker and in the order they were given. It's a bit of a mess with various and scattered thoughts, but hopefully organizing it by talk it will make it easier for you to comment on; agreeing, disagreeing, answering questions, questioning. (The quotes aren't perfect so please check other sources for the exact wording)

President Monson- I do think we need something here- whether or not it's perfect or true I believe man needs hope in order to survive this life.

Robert Hales- I was very intrigued by his comparison between economics and addiction and the concept that we need to live providently both economically and spiritually. When he spoke of us not needing the comforts and joys our neighbors have does that also include gay marriage? Is provident living finding happiness and joy within our financial and Gospel boundaries? He cautioned us to ask ourselves if we need and if we can afford worldly things before we buy, consume, or engage in them- what are the financial and spiritual costs. Is this what participating in a gay relationships is, just a question of worldly and temporal actions and a measurement of their costs? Can we afford not living the commandments as they are laid out for us? Can we afford a different type of love? "Do you want this now or do you want your dream trip later?" Is living a gay life now an antithesis to having Celestial glory later?

Margret Lifferth- I love hypocrisy!! I think the whole Church needs to listen to her talk and learn to have respect and love for ALL of Heavenly Father's children- especially those whose political views and lifestyle choices clash with our ideas of righteousness and truth.

D. Todd Christofferson- I thought of all the homosexuals in our church when he spoke of saints being worthy to suffer shame for Christ's name. Those who are honest with themselves and with their family and friends are living the way Heavenly Father made them and they are spreading Christ's love- they are the ones who are suffering shame for Christ's name and they are the ones deserving the blessings such adversity warrants.

Henry B. Eyring- This talk was filled with the principles I pray for to be true, the principles that bring justice and hope to this painful and discriminatory world. Christ took on ALL of our pain and He not only knows how we feel, but He knows how to succor us. Just as Joseph Smith was promised as he suffered in some of his deepest agony- our trials are for our good. The choices we make in our adversity prepare us for eternity- so if there really is an eternity our trials are blessings and our sufferings will be made up for. Christ has suffered this- whatever is right or wrong or more right we all have the opportunity to be like the Lord. He loves us all and He will rescue the faithful (although I'm not sure what being faithful really entails when it pertains to being gay and Mormon). We are here to help and share and give to others and the Lord will bless us with the strength to accomplish this.

M. Russell Ballard- Um… more hypocrisy. I understand that these men have to be hypocritical because what they believe, what they don't just come out and say, are the things that are not of Christ. How could they stand on the pulpit and condemn any of Heavenly Father's children when Christ teaches us to love and rebukes us from judging others? Our past is full of mistakes- are we learning the right lessons from them?

Kevin W. Pearson- Personal obedience is a choice (wow- everyone should have a right to decide who they want to marry and how they want to live!!- shocking!!) I do believe that disbelief leads to disobedience, but is there a different eternal consequence for those who sin because they no longer believe (or are tired of trying to believe) as opposed to those who know the truth of the Church, having no doubt about the commandments, and still choose to sin? Perhaps this doesn't even matter- the Lord knows what is in our heart and what our motives are and maybe we just have to make our choices and live with whatever the consequences are. If you don't know if the church is true you won't find out by leaving it any more than you can find out by living obediently waiting for confirmation. And if you don't believe it… Maybe the Lord expects us to make our decisions for ourselves- without having all the answers and without having an understanding of homosexuality and its relation to the commandments and scriptures that have been revealed to date. Can it be true that if we believe in the Church we need to follow these laws or suffer the consequence- that black and white? "Doubt is not from Christ-" at least we know Christ wants us to believe in him :P

Russell M. Nelson- We need to forgive others- this teaching should include forgiving those whose lifestyles offend ours! As we work to be one we need to focus on being one with our neighbors- I don't think persecution and judgment are the best ways to accomplish this oneness.

<Sunday Morning is still coming>

Dallin H. Oaks- Anger. LDS gays are sacrificing themselves, their families, their friends, and their church, what the hell pain have those supporting prop 8 faced? I was saddened as he spoke of the impressive corporative nature and ability saints have because I thought of all the goodness we could be doing in the world- all the love, help, and understanding we could bring to our own suffering members and to our drowning families and country, not to the political groups Oaks referenced. Wouldn't being the precious individuals he spoke of involve each of us personally choosing to live the Gospel and not imposing it on others? And how is being one (prop 8 allies) with every other judgmental Christian church not having Satan "shift us as wheat?" And I don't agree, as Oaks said, that we have a different destiny- the Lord wants ALL His children to receive eternal life and glory- He wants ALL of us back. I also wondered how we are supposed to live selfless lives when so much of Church doctrine teaches that our goal in life is to attain salvation. How is striving for individual exaltation selfless?

Gary E. Stevenson- His focus on Temple marriage left me questioning what piece of the salvation puzzle is missing. There must be something more, something beyond our knowledge and understanding, because there are so many Temple marriages that are not holy, loving, or happy and there are many other marriages that are loving and happy, in addition to a throng of straight, gay, and bisexual individuals that will never marry.

Jose A. Teixeira- Heavenly Father wants us and He'll make it possible for us to return- Christ sacrificed everything for us and Their love is beyond understanding, sure, and all encompassing. The Lord gives us power to choose because He trusts and respects our freedom, He loves us. It sucks and I hate it, but as I've already touched on, I think we have to feel and trust the Spirit. We have to make decisions based on our faith without knowing all the purposes and reasons (and I don't mean follow blindly, but pray and listen to the Holy Ghost). We have to act sometimes before we can know- maybe the Lord does expect all of us to follow the law of chastity regardless of our struggles and without understanding the injustice of it. We might have to choose and to take a stand based on our heart and our knowledge and our testimony of Christ and based on what we want, now and later, instead of waiting for the prophet to give a solution, a revelation, a denunciation. African American LDS had to suffer faithfully for over a century after the Restoration. "If we live by what we've received we'll be blessed." The Lord knows the suffering we all face, the suffering that you face that I can't begin to imagine, and I know He is filled with love and Mercy. We all have to make decisions and suffer the consequences, temporal, spiritual, earthly, and eternal consequences- but I can't imagine the Lord punishing any child for loving, regardless of who His child is giving that love to (not lust). I question my faith, wondering if life can be as difficult and inequitable as it seems with special blessing being given to those who are obedient, but I will refuse to be with a Heavenly Father who casts out a child because he or she has been in gay relationships or a gay marriage.

F. Michael Watson- The Book of Mormon brings us closer to the Lord than any other book- but this book really doesn't mention homosexuality so there are many ways to grow close to the Lord, although as far as we know it seems that there are greater blessing given to those who grow close to the Lord through following all His commandments.

L. Tom Perry- We should focus on saving the sheep in our fold- we need to save the gay members of this church who are on that cliff- one step away from death and afraid of the strangers who preach heartlessly from church pulpits and classrooms. Please tell me what I, an outsider hurting for those inside and screaming at the hypocrisy that shatters the spirit, can do to help! We do need to open our mouths and share our feelings and knowledge with the rest of the church members, whether or not they want to listen. First time is to tell of Christ's gift to ALL mankind, second is our testimony of the First Vision, and third is telling of the truth of the Book of Mormon. The pain that our gay members face, the equality that is needed, and the respect for other's agency are all parts of these three pieces- let's open our mouths. We need to be spiritual shepherds to the ones who are lost and alone and to the members who are blind and deaf to the cries of the injured.

President Monson- If we fully believe in this Church then do we sacrifice our own lives, making sure we are worthy for the Temple, to save others through Temple work?

I will strive to be faithful even though I'm unsure. I will try to live the Gospel even when I don't want to. I will work to be active in the Church although I don't agree with everything. I will share Christ's love because I know He lives and I know He died for all of us and suffered all our pains. I will continue to support gay rights.

"It may seem simple, all the little things you do, but the lives you touch matter so much and there is no one else like you and Father needs you to stand tall and faithful, to be all you can be. Oh, if you could see what he sees, you'd believe in what you're doing and you'd believe in who you are. So hold tight to the truth that you're a [child] of [His], believe in who you're becoming, believe in who you are." - Who You Are, Hilary Weeks

Sunday, April 5, 2009

Love

At Conference Robert Hales spoke of his desire to buy extravagant gifts for his wife as an expression of his love and appreciation for her. Reflecting on his wife's response to the proposal, Hales realized his desire was a selfish one- he wanted to show his love for her more than give her the things she valued most. I began to evaluate this in regards to the love I have for my best friend. In addition to saving my life, my best friend is amazing and fun and I love him to death and I love being with him and around him- faults and everything. This deep love has stirred an unsettling feeling where I want to make him happy and I want to be special in his life and hold a place in his heart. Hales's talk made me realize the selfish aspects of loving my best friend in this way. If I truly love him, even in the way Christ loves us, I will only pray and wish for my best friend's happiness, I won't desire to be the one that fulfills him in all the ways he deserves to be fulfilled and the one who always makes him happy.


 

Frustration

Thoughts from Sacrament Meeting, 3/29

Is living the Gospel part way a cop-out? Do we have many strings that connect us to Heavenly Father, each one a commandment or covenant that we are keeping, and only cutting some of them (breaking some commandments) is better than having no strings?

Are we having our cake and eating it too if we participate in church as much as it fits our lifestyle, as much as we are allowed to according to how we've chosen to live? Is it hypocritical to get as close to the Spirit and to blessings of the Church as possible without giving up the earthly love and happiness of gay marriage? Is this the better way to be- with some strings attached? Should the Church move in this direction, welcoming gay couples to the extent that current revelation allows (which would exclude Temple, Priesthood, and full standing)? Is the next step to evaluate partial membership and have callings and public prayers offered by those who are in gay marriages? I mean, can't investigators offer public prayers? Does the Lord want His children as close as their decisions allow them to be? Would this help children of gay parents grow up with the blessings of the Church and the teachings of Christ? How better can we be examples of He who ate with publicans and sinners than to welcome all those who want to draw close to Him?

Or is our Church too provisional? Heavenly Father's love is not conditional on our actions and on our obedience, our salvation and exaltation may be conditional on these things, but not His love for us. Is it all or nothing? If we believe in the Gospel we are expected to follow all the commandments- even those which involve sacrificing ourselves. But what about those who still believe in Christ and the Church and have chosen, as the Lord lets us, to live temporally and enjoy earthly love and sex with a spouse they are truly aroused by and deeply attracted to. Are they suppose to leave the Church because they are not sacrificing everything? What about the members who marry non-members outside of the Temple and still come to church?

Do you stay active in a church you know is far from perfect because it is the closest to truth we have? Do you trust all the words and teachings that ask us to live by current precepts even if they hurt and don't make sense?

What if our eternal selves are gay and autistic, and whatever they are here, and we just live perfectly with who we are in the next life? Maybe things that challenge us here give us a greater capacity for perfection in the next life because we've learned, struggled, and grown so much on earth. Physical and mental disabilities might not be imperfections, just as being gay isn't a disability, an imperfection, or something that needs fixing. There could be something beyond sex and attraction in the next life. An understanding of the commandments we follow here and a component of the plan that restores what was sacrificed on earth without gays suddenly becoming straight in the next life.

Obstinate Roots

Still in great disarray from Prayers for Bobby my faith was slowly rekindled, 3/22

My testimony of the Savior is too strong to go away- I know His love and truth. I've been working to strengthen this testimony, to know and understand, for over 8 years and now as I question the Church in ways I've never questioned it I realize the weight of my testimony of Christ. It won't go away- it can't because I KNOW He is true. And then when I think of other Christian churches I see all the places they fall short of Christ's teachings. Even if this church is far from perfect it's the closest we have- Christ is absolute but as a church we fall short in our humanity. So what is blindly following? Following what doesn't make sense and might only exist because of mans' imperfections? Our church isn't perfect so what do we do? If I know Christ is true then I know certain teachings must also be true- even if I don't want them to be. The speaker at sacrament just said, "He knows the way…He knows our pains because He has endured them…He won't ask us to do something He hasn't." So maybe Christ is the only thing that makes sense in this world. We have to suffer here because the world is miserable and being human sucks, and since we have to endure it to become like Heavenly Father Christ also came to endure all things. His life not only saves us from damnation, but from the hell that is life on earth.