“I Am Not Worthy to be Called Your Savior”

I don't have faith in my best friend. That is a huge part of my problem and something that another friend pointed out to me this week. My friend told me that I want to be Hidden's savior. I protested, how absurd that I want to be his Christ. My friend told me that I want to ensure exaltation and celestial glory for Hidden. I did. I did want to be his savior. I had never thought of it in such unhealthy terms.

My mom doesn't have faith in me. She doesn't have faith that I can achieve true health and happiness without her, away from her, contrary to her, so she suffocates me. She tries to be the one to save me. Why am I doing this to my best friend? How can I love him so much and think he is one of the most amazing people in the whole world, and yet not have faith in him?

I need to put my feelings aside. I need to find love for myself. I need to increase my self-esteem so that I don't hang on Hidden, feeling important only because someone who is friends with me is incredible. My mom can't live her life through me and I can't find my greatness through my best friend. I can't collapse because I am not the most important person in his life, I can't hate myself when he is with other people.

I want him to be happy- eternally, temporally, completely- but I can't create, cause, or force that. I have to have faith that he will establish such joy for himself. I have to have faith that he has the love, power, and drive for such things. I worry that he doesn't love himself as much as he should, as much as he puts on and as much as he deserves. But if I know he is beyond amazing then I need to channel that belief into faith that he will fix these things in his own life. I need to accept that he can change his life in the way he changes the whole world for the better. That he will choose to develop an even greater love and self-esteem for himself, that he will find happiness and learn to accept love. I need to have faith that he can perfect his own life and find his own joy. I need to have faith that he doesn't need me in his life. And then I will be able to let go.

*quote from The Classic Crime, The End