Sex, Drugs, Jealousy, Anger

I am so jealous of people that have sex (the unmarried Mormon ones). I am envious of the BYU students who are screwing around and drinking and doing drugs. I wish I could be a rule breaker. I don't even think I am a good Latter-Day Saint so much as I am terrified of breaking rules. When I was at BYU I broke the honor code by burning candles in my dorm room on campus. Wow- big rebel. I have too many issues from being molested to just run off and have sex, but why can't I get drunk? I am over twenty-one and I was at a club with alcohol. I have stayed in many houses with alcohol. It would cure me from ever hurting, from ever feeling anything. But I can't. When I was in Israel I had a glass of wine placed in front of me at every Sabbath dinner- but I never took a sip. I am a coward. Something in me is too scared to break rules. Ever. I am a green-eyed monster towards the fearless- the ones who know what they want, who follow their bodies, who break rules.

It is very hard for me to be angry with another person. It's an emotion I can't handle. I usually channel resentment into something much more self- destructive, like pain or rejection. I went dancing with my best friend and one of his other good friends and I was jealous of his relationship with her. I wanted to be the one. I wanted to be special. I wanted to be his best friend. I wanted to be loved more. And I was actually angry with my best friend. I didn't want to cut and I didn't hate myself. I was angry at him for choosing someone over me (which is ridiculous because I know he can love 500 other people and still love me- but my heart isn't as logical as my brain). Then he commented on my dancing- that I was doing really well but needed to break even further out of my shell. There was nothing judgmental, hateful, or even critical in his comments. My best friend was encouraging me to progress even further. I fell apart. I started to cry. I wanted to crawl into corner and disappear. I became so self-conscious about my perceived failure that I couldn't dance the rest of the night. I felt like an idiot every time I moved. But the strange thing is that I no longer felt angry. Suddenly it seemed right- of course he would choose her, look how much better she is. I could never compare to her.

So I guess the anger was a good thing (I mean I had no reason to be upset- he has the right to love any and everyone more than me, and I was probably over reacting anyway), but I was irritated my best friend would pick someone I felt equal to over me. For a moment I had felt just as important, perfect, and just as good (even better) a friend than she could be. I didn't think he had a reason to love her more than he loved me. But it was fleeting.

I don't know how I'm going to be able to dance again. And I'm in awe of people that take drugs and have sex.