I always think I've made more progress than I actually have. I was trying to figure out why I push so hard and why I break so easily when it comes to my best friend. I'm not like that with my other best friends, I've never been. I realize that I expect more from him and that is not fair. I'm going through my first real heartbreak- I let myself get closer to him than I've ever been to anyone and so I expect him to have the same attachment to me. That was never the deal. He never agreed to it. I should never demand it. And it is ok, even wonderful, to be intimate and share everything, but we are not a couple, we are not exclusive. We each should have more than the other person in our lives- we each need more than the other person. I can't expect him to be my husband and I have been and I'm sorry.
From the beginning he has advised, compelled, and pleaded with me to love myself. If I can really achieve this self love his love for me won't be my lifeline. It can't be. It's not healthy. It's not fair to either of us. I need to find other things in my life- it won't mean losing my best friend or loving him less, it will mean spreading my wings so I can fly without him. It will mean hurting him less because he won't be the only one holding me. And it won't mean that we won't ever need or help each other, just not all the time. Just not solely.
I need to let go. I need to enjoy more and expect less. I need to love. I need to accept and not overanalyze. I need to let things be. I need to listen and learn. I need to get hurt and grow. I need to be happy and realize I deserve that happiness. I need to accept that my best friend does love me. I need to have many important things in my life. I need to be ok with the fact that I will have to get as close, ever closer, to another boy as I am to my best friend. I need to realize that this summer won't be like last summer and that is ok. Change is ok. Maybe even good :P
Yesterday I watched Snow Falling on Cedars and the post I wrote seems to fit perfectly with today's revelation. So I will just add it here.
"Accident rules every corner of the universe, except, maybe, the chambers of the human heart" (Snow Falling on Cedars). Loving someone is never an accident. This movie made me realize that even if it causing us pain, or our lover pain, there is a point, a purpose, and a truth in love. There is growth, beauty, and peace in all forms of love. And in letting love go. It doesn't mean that the love was insignificant, wrong, or an accident. It just was, and something good came of it, love always creates greatness. And then it will change, end, grow, but the beauty of the love that was won't ever leave. There is always a purpose in love. Serendipity just realized this too.
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