“Stuck Between Sleep and Awake”

I am supposed to be free and able to live my own life. But I have one friend in a miserable marriage, my best friend who's suffered desolately, and a mother who only has me in the world. I want to help lift everyone up, so why can't I save myself? I received some wonderful comments on my last posts, and I am so appreciative of them, but my face turned red and my heart shut off as my head muttered, "no, no I am not all those things, not filled with that goodness." Why the hell do I continue to hate myself so much when I am flooded with evidence that I am not horrible, ugly, and a chore to be around? Why won't I embrace the person everyone else sees in me?

I am in a blender with three blades. The first is the disparity between the Church and justice for gays, another blade is my past and sharp thoughts of myself, the third spinning scalpel being in love with my best friend. I'm only going to address the first one now, but the other posts will come. All of these spears are multifaceted, toxic, crucial, and self destroying.

Scott made some great comments on my 'G-d Damned' post and many of them make sense, but there are still so many unanswered questions. Is a gay marriage any more of a sin than a straight marriage performed outside of the Temple? Are we really asked to follow the prophets even if their humanism has spurred some of their policies? I think deep inside I know that we are expected to follow the word of the Lord as revealed through His leaders. So even though we lack G-d's words on homosexuality do we believe the laws that are currently in force?

If the Church is true, if there is a Heavenly Father and a plan, a Savior and Atonement, then there is sacrifice and reward, unimaginable reward overcompensating for excessive agony. I can't base my testimony on what I want to be true. I can't lose my faith in what pulled me away from my beloved Judaism because I don't want man to suffer for seeking the pleasures his natural body craves.

I'm sorry, I am so sorry, and I am so sick, but I know. I believe. The spirit that I feel tells me there is one path and one way. The truth that I want so much to walk away from and never return to pounds the law of chastity into my aching soul. Please forgive me, but I believe that there is more happiness and joy in the Gospel than outside of it. I believe there is more peace in following the commandments and entering the Temple. I am crying and I am remorseful that I have to take this step. This is what my heart says. There is more in this stupid, uptight, pain inflicting Gospel than in the apparently free and just world. We are all asked to make sacrifices, I truly believe that the Lord wants us all to sacrifice for mixed gender marriages and keep the laws that are currently on the books. I know there is truth and peace in the Temple and peace through the covenants.

Do I believe people who don't follow the Gospel are going to hell? No (well maybe those who continue to hate and shun and judge), but not G-d's children that try. Not His children that LOVE. Do I think there will be reconciliation? Yes, I am wretched to say this, I am sorry, but yes I think there will have to be repentance and pain for actions that break the covenants we have promised to keep. Do I believe that G-d loves ALL His children EQUALLY? Yes. Do I believe that He would rather have His sons and daughters loving themselves and others than despising their own bodies and contemplating suicide? Yes. Do I believe that not engaging in sex outside of marriage and not engaging in homosexual relationships brings saints closer to G-d? In most cases, I'd have to say yes. But there is not hell and damnation for those who choose otherwise. Just reconciliation. And I am regretful. I am forlorn I have to unbury my testimony and step away from the path that I want to be on, away from the things that I want to believe.

I don't know if homosexuality is eternal. I don't know if gay relationships are eternally wrong (I tend to think they may not be). I was really hit by Scott's point that perhaps G-d didn't want straight men to lie together (as the Romans did). Or that He wanted to keep the Israelites separate (which means as a Jew I shouldn't go off having sex with girls- too bad) :P But for whatever reason, I believe we are told to follow the prophets (and maybe it has nothing to do with gay relationships being evil, but a sacrifice we don't understand or a mistake the innocent will be blessed for as all those wrongfully killed for their religious beliefs throughout history who were automatically saved and their murders were condemned for their own sins). Maybe those who come out harshly against homosexuality of their own will shall face the consequences while gays who suffer at their hands are instantly saved.

Do I think celibacy and mixed orientation marriages are the answer? Maybe. The Lord promises us peace in keeping His commandments- even those commanded by current prophets. I know Heavenly Father will implausibly bless those who stay on the path and that He will bless those who sacrifice and struggle to keep His commandments. I know He wants all His children home, regardless of their actions. I know there is mercy and love. I honestly believe we can ALL be saved, that He wants us ALL saved, but I believe we will each have to repent of our sins to attain that salvation. As I apologize again, I do think that a sin is breaking the commandments as they are currently set forth- no matter how ridiculous they seem.

What I've tried to run away from and what I've buried my testimony to hide from is my belief that those who participate in homosexual activity will eventually have to repent. I'm sorry. Even if gay relationships aren't eternally wrong, we are told at this time that we should not engage in them and we are told to follow the laws of our times, not the laws of past or future eras.

I still think gay marriage should be legal. I still KNOW sexual orientation is not changeable and it is not a choice. I don't know if I believe homosexual sex is wrong, or if it is just something the Lord is not allowing right now. I am still going to Pride on Sunday. I still believe a sin is a sin and all those saints who judge others will have their own hard core repentance process some day.

I am sorry I have to find myself and return to the narrow path.

To G-d:

Give me wings, give me peace
These are the things that I need
I'm tormented, broken, and shamed
Are you listening?

And give me shelter from the storm
I know it's a lot to ask for considering how recent I've piled the dirt on your name

Are you listening?

I have heard that winter's cold will give way to summer's warmth
Oh no! Like salt in the snow,
I'm melted and left all alone on the side of the road

Is this where I am for your sake?
Stuck between sleep and awake
My mind is dreaming of things
Are you listening?

I took you for granted again
And threw you aside and pretended for one minute that I had control of my life and direction-- it seemed to be "in"
I was wrong again

And I will wait for you to come again
And I can't pretend like I'm confident
And I can't pretend like it makes much sense when it doesn't

-The Classic Crime, Salt in the Snow