The Pot of Gold

Random thought- We are taught that our weaknesses become our strengths, that we are given weaknesses to make us strong. I think homosexuality is a perfect example of this. The LDS world views homosexuality as a weakness, something that needs to be overcome, but really it is a strength. Those who are gay and Mormon develop more Christlike qualities and inspire and teach other Church members to love. It is through their perceived weakness that they become the strongest among us- regardless of what paths they choose.

I talked to my best friend today- the gay one I'm in love with. I have to face the ultimatum of getting a boy friend or losing him. Thankfully, one of my really good friends came out to me yesterday and her perspective was a huge help in understanding what my best friend feels. She lost her best friend because he was in love with her and she couldn't reciprocate. I won't lose someone I love in ways that are greater than romantic love. I won't lose the person who continually saves my life.

I am letting go and I could feel the weight lifting from me as I unloaded my thoughts on my best friend. I can't save him. That is between him and Christ. I cannot blame myself for him not being able to have a Temple marriage right now. I can't blame myself for him not being filled with peace, love, joy, and happiness. He had a vision once, of a beautiful wife that was his angel and brought him joy. I cried endlessly last summer wanting to be his angel. It is not my fault I can't fix his life and save him from all pain. His pain is not a result of my ugliness and my imperfection.

I need to get over the sexual abuse that stains my past, makes nightmares of my present, and instigates an impossible future.

I am still in love with him and I wish I could marry him. But I know that marriage to each other is not right or healthy for either of us. We both deserve more, we both deserve better. I am jealous of Serendipity, but her life is different, her relationship with her best friend is different, and the path the Lord has for her is different. Serendipity and Dichotomy have mutual love. I have dependence.

Every day I pressure my mom to get her own life, a life that is healthy and that does not orbit around me. How can I build a life on my best friend as I work to unbury myself from the foundation of my mom's life? I inflict on my best friend what my mother has inflicted on me. The desire I have for my best friend to be the only man I'm ever in love with is not fair to either of us when so much of that wanting is based on the fact that he is sexually safe. He has pushed me into a corner and I need to drop the ember of my past. I've clutched the pain of molestation for twenty years and I have to drop it or my best friend will no longer hold my hand.

I still agree with my last post, but I am trying to move on. I loved my best friend long before I was in love with him and that love will last longer the being in love. I can't wait for him, refuse to move forward, because one day he may fall in love with me the way he's fallen in love with other girls. I can't smother myself in guilt for his pain or his decisions. I can't let him be the only one. If I am healthy for him, if I stop cutting for his sake, and then my heart is sliced open by his words I have no reason to restrain myself from easing my own pain. THIS CANNOT BE. I need to be healthy for myself, maybe even for the Lord, but not for another person.

The Lord loves me as much as He loves my best friend- and even now I am crying at the unbelievability of this statement and the pain of the truth pressing on me. The only way I can truly love those who are most important to me is if I learn to love myself. I have to heal to have healthy relationships. I have to love myself in order to love my best friend. I have to accept that he deserves more than I can give him and I have to acknowledge that I am worthy of more than bequeaths.

I will not lose my best friend over my own fear, stupidity, and self-hatred. I will not injure someone I love so much just because I want to continue to harm myself. I am in a thoroughly screwed up cyclone where I am wounding my best friend as I try to save him from all the heart wrenching and unjust pain he suffers. I think I finally understand why I have to be healthy before I can help someone. Right now I am just destroying both of us.

This will not be easy or quick, but I am stepping forward.

"If you love someone, let them go."