The Lord’s Love

(This post is from Mon night)

I had a long talk with my roommate tonight about love, the Gospel, and homosexuality. She was raised in a conservative Southern Mormon home, her grandfather kept a gun in case any rapid dogs or homosexuals wondered onto his property. Over the past few months several of her good friends have come out to her and she mentioned that through their struggles she is learning to be empathetic, as opposed to judgmental and apathetic.

I have always been too empathetic. I become encased in the pain others feel- I couldn't even handle the Disney movie Finding Nemo because Nemo's dad suffered through the whole movie. I tried to leave the Church, to forget my testimony, so that the people I love would not have to endure such agony. If the Church wasn't true my best friend could fully embrace his homosexuality without ever facing any repercussions- all Mormon homosexuals could find love because there would be no Church doctrine to discourage or contradict them. But I can't lose my testimony in hopes that it will ease the torture of others. I have to love myself as much as I love everyone else and I have to make choices that are right for me. I cannot leave the Church because I don't want anyone else to suffer for their sins.

We also talked about accountability and how each of us will be judged according to our true testimony and our honest efforts weighed against our personal trials. It is much easier for a straight, Latter-Day Saint, who finds a perfect spouse, to keep certain commandments than for a homosexual, a single adult, or an unhappily married person to. For a gay Mormon there is often no option for marriage. It is easier to stay active in a Church where you are the celebrated norm as opposed to the "evil," pushed aside, ignored, and judged minority. When I am depressed and in too much pain to cope I cut myself, will my mom's emotional and verbal abuse and my molestation counter my sin of self abuse? I think so. I don't think the Lord will punish me for doing the only thing that keeps me sane and alive. He will not condone it though, so I fight to stop the cutting.

My roommate also mentioned that the Lord won't deny someone else celestial glory based on our own weaknesses. If my best friend chooses to leave the Church (which would be an easier decision if he was in love with me and we got married), the Lord won't hold him accountable for his choices based on my imperfections (ie if he leaves the church because he's not in love with me because I'm not pretty enough or perfect enough or stable enough- it won't be either of our faults he's not in love with me). And on the reverse of that- I will NOT be responsible for any of my best friend's actions. And I have faith in him and I know he will make choices that are right for him, as he has always done. He turns the car around when it is going in the wrong direction. He sees the light before he jumps off the balcony. I don't know whether finding his "angel" and getting married in the Temple or leaving the church and meeting a wonderful man is the best path for him, but he will figure it out. And each time I try to take away his pain or fix his life I am stealing his chances for growth and eternal progression.

I need to find faith in the next world. It has always been a foreign concept for me and I've been willing and able to follow all the commandments based on earthly happiness, without thinking of an afterlife, until now. Now there are commandments that don't make sense and suffering that seems uncalled for. I need to believe in something beyond this life so that I can continue to believe in the Church. With eternal salvation and glory in front of us, our agony gains purpose and perspective. Our pain is reconciled. We are blessed here and eternally for our faith and the sacrifices we make to follow the commandments. And yes, this also means retribution for sins, but if I can believe in an afterlife I know the forgiveness, peace, and love will be greater than the temporary hell of repentance.