Crying

Well, on the bright side, shattering has encouraged me to pick up my scriptures for the first time in a very long while. There is an undeniable peace that comes from the Savior and I can feel His spirit as I read the words I so often neglect.

I am not going to give up or fall backwards. I am going to keep working, feeling, and trying. I don't want to take this path without the person who helped me start it.

I work so hard to make the right choices and then I second guess myself. I am imperfect. I am torn between feeling the self love and approval I've been striving to learn and staying in this fetal position, tears streaking down my face, because I know I've messed up and not been the person I've wanted to be.

Deeper and deeper it is as if I am trapped in the Heart of Darkness.

Maybe there is a medium- I did mess up, I am imperfect, but my intentions are good. I am trying. I am struggling to make the right choices.

And as hard as I try I still got angry and I felt justified. Can everything break because for once you are angry?

"Falling Slowly" from Once over and over again.

Two Steps Back

I always think I've made more progress than I actually have. I was trying to figure out why I push so hard and why I break so easily when it comes to my best friend. I'm not like that with my other best friends, I've never been. I realize that I expect more from him and that is not fair. I'm going through my first real heartbreak- I let myself get closer to him than I've ever been to anyone and so I expect him to have the same attachment to me. That was never the deal. He never agreed to it. I should never demand it. And it is ok, even wonderful, to be intimate and share everything, but we are not a couple, we are not exclusive. We each should have more than the other person in our lives- we each need more than the other person. I can't expect him to be my husband and I have been and I'm sorry.

From the beginning he has advised, compelled, and pleaded with me to love myself. If I can really achieve this self love his love for me won't be my lifeline. It can't be. It's not healthy. It's not fair to either of us. I need to find other things in my life- it won't mean losing my best friend or loving him less, it will mean spreading my wings so I can fly without him. It will mean hurting him less because he won't be the only one holding me. And it won't mean that we won't ever need or help each other, just not all the time. Just not solely.

I need to let go. I need to enjoy more and expect less. I need to love. I need to accept and not overanalyze. I need to let things be. I need to listen and learn. I need to get hurt and grow. I need to be happy and realize I deserve that happiness. I need to accept that my best friend does love me. I need to have many important things in my life. I need to be ok with the fact that I will have to get as close, ever closer, to another boy as I am to my best friend. I need to realize that this summer won't be like last summer and that is ok. Change is ok. Maybe even good :P

Yesterday I watched Snow Falling on Cedars and the post I wrote seems to fit perfectly with today's revelation. So I will just add it here.

"Accident rules every corner of the universe, except, maybe, the chambers of the human heart" (Snow Falling on Cedars). Loving someone is never an accident. This movie made me realize that even if it causing us pain, or our lover pain, there is a point, a purpose, and a truth in love. There is growth, beauty, and peace in all forms of love. And in letting love go. It doesn't mean that the love was insignificant, wrong, or an accident. It just was, and something good came of it, love always creates greatness. And then it will change, end, grow, but the beauty of the love that was won't ever leave. There is always a purpose in love. Serendipity just realized this too.

The Lord’s Love

(This post is from Mon night)

I had a long talk with my roommate tonight about love, the Gospel, and homosexuality. She was raised in a conservative Southern Mormon home, her grandfather kept a gun in case any rapid dogs or homosexuals wondered onto his property. Over the past few months several of her good friends have come out to her and she mentioned that through their struggles she is learning to be empathetic, as opposed to judgmental and apathetic.

I have always been too empathetic. I become encased in the pain others feel- I couldn't even handle the Disney movie Finding Nemo because Nemo's dad suffered through the whole movie. I tried to leave the Church, to forget my testimony, so that the people I love would not have to endure such agony. If the Church wasn't true my best friend could fully embrace his homosexuality without ever facing any repercussions- all Mormon homosexuals could find love because there would be no Church doctrine to discourage or contradict them. But I can't lose my testimony in hopes that it will ease the torture of others. I have to love myself as much as I love everyone else and I have to make choices that are right for me. I cannot leave the Church because I don't want anyone else to suffer for their sins.

We also talked about accountability and how each of us will be judged according to our true testimony and our honest efforts weighed against our personal trials. It is much easier for a straight, Latter-Day Saint, who finds a perfect spouse, to keep certain commandments than for a homosexual, a single adult, or an unhappily married person to. For a gay Mormon there is often no option for marriage. It is easier to stay active in a Church where you are the celebrated norm as opposed to the "evil," pushed aside, ignored, and judged minority. When I am depressed and in too much pain to cope I cut myself, will my mom's emotional and verbal abuse and my molestation counter my sin of self abuse? I think so. I don't think the Lord will punish me for doing the only thing that keeps me sane and alive. He will not condone it though, so I fight to stop the cutting.

My roommate also mentioned that the Lord won't deny someone else celestial glory based on our own weaknesses. If my best friend chooses to leave the Church (which would be an easier decision if he was in love with me and we got married), the Lord won't hold him accountable for his choices based on my imperfections (ie if he leaves the church because he's not in love with me because I'm not pretty enough or perfect enough or stable enough- it won't be either of our faults he's not in love with me). And on the reverse of that- I will NOT be responsible for any of my best friend's actions. And I have faith in him and I know he will make choices that are right for him, as he has always done. He turns the car around when it is going in the wrong direction. He sees the light before he jumps off the balcony. I don't know whether finding his "angel" and getting married in the Temple or leaving the church and meeting a wonderful man is the best path for him, but he will figure it out. And each time I try to take away his pain or fix his life I am stealing his chances for growth and eternal progression.

I need to find faith in the next world. It has always been a foreign concept for me and I've been willing and able to follow all the commandments based on earthly happiness, without thinking of an afterlife, until now. Now there are commandments that don't make sense and suffering that seems uncalled for. I need to believe in something beyond this life so that I can continue to believe in the Church. With eternal salvation and glory in front of us, our agony gains purpose and perspective. Our pain is reconciled. We are blessed here and eternally for our faith and the sacrifices we make to follow the commandments. And yes, this also means retribution for sins, but if I can believe in an afterlife I know the forgiveness, peace, and love will be greater than the temporary hell of repentance.

“It’s a Step in the Right Direction After All”

(I wrote this Sat or Sunday, I just didn't have internet access to post it)

Every night I pray for my best friend and some nights that is the only thing I have the strength or desire to pray for. Generally I ask the Lord to comfort and assistant him and I ask to be able to help him in every way possible. Last night I as I was about to solicit, "please let me be everything that my best friend needs," I was struck by the ridiculousness of my own words. I promptly changed my prayer, "please let him be everything he needs."

I love my best friend so much, but the only way for him to be truly happy and filled with love is if he is creating it himself. I'm learning that I can't be the one to save him and if I really want him to have joy and peace I need to pray for him, not pray for myself to give it to him. With the Lord's help he can create it in his own life. I can't force it on him- I can't bring it to him or create it for him. Loving him doesn't mean being the one that will make everything better.

*quote from Bedknobs and Broomsticks

Sex, Drugs, Jealousy, Anger

I am so jealous of people that have sex (the unmarried Mormon ones). I am envious of the BYU students who are screwing around and drinking and doing drugs. I wish I could be a rule breaker. I don't even think I am a good Latter-Day Saint so much as I am terrified of breaking rules. When I was at BYU I broke the honor code by burning candles in my dorm room on campus. Wow- big rebel. I have too many issues from being molested to just run off and have sex, but why can't I get drunk? I am over twenty-one and I was at a club with alcohol. I have stayed in many houses with alcohol. It would cure me from ever hurting, from ever feeling anything. But I can't. When I was in Israel I had a glass of wine placed in front of me at every Sabbath dinner- but I never took a sip. I am a coward. Something in me is too scared to break rules. Ever. I am a green-eyed monster towards the fearless- the ones who know what they want, who follow their bodies, who break rules.

It is very hard for me to be angry with another person. It's an emotion I can't handle. I usually channel resentment into something much more self- destructive, like pain or rejection. I went dancing with my best friend and one of his other good friends and I was jealous of his relationship with her. I wanted to be the one. I wanted to be special. I wanted to be his best friend. I wanted to be loved more. And I was actually angry with my best friend. I didn't want to cut and I didn't hate myself. I was angry at him for choosing someone over me (which is ridiculous because I know he can love 500 other people and still love me- but my heart isn't as logical as my brain). Then he commented on my dancing- that I was doing really well but needed to break even further out of my shell. There was nothing judgmental, hateful, or even critical in his comments. My best friend was encouraging me to progress even further. I fell apart. I started to cry. I wanted to crawl into corner and disappear. I became so self-conscious about my perceived failure that I couldn't dance the rest of the night. I felt like an idiot every time I moved. But the strange thing is that I no longer felt angry. Suddenly it seemed right- of course he would choose her, look how much better she is. I could never compare to her.

So I guess the anger was a good thing (I mean I had no reason to be upset- he has the right to love any and everyone more than me, and I was probably over reacting anyway), but I was irritated my best friend would pick someone I felt equal to over me. For a moment I had felt just as important, perfect, and just as good (even better) a friend than she could be. I didn't think he had a reason to love her more than he loved me. But it was fleeting.

I don't know how I'm going to be able to dance again. And I'm in awe of people that take drugs and have sex.

“I Am Not Worthy to be Called Your Savior”

I don't have faith in my best friend. That is a huge part of my problem and something that another friend pointed out to me this week. My friend told me that I want to be Hidden's savior. I protested, how absurd that I want to be his Christ. My friend told me that I want to ensure exaltation and celestial glory for Hidden. I did. I did want to be his savior. I had never thought of it in such unhealthy terms.

My mom doesn't have faith in me. She doesn't have faith that I can achieve true health and happiness without her, away from her, contrary to her, so she suffocates me. She tries to be the one to save me. Why am I doing this to my best friend? How can I love him so much and think he is one of the most amazing people in the whole world, and yet not have faith in him?

I need to put my feelings aside. I need to find love for myself. I need to increase my self-esteem so that I don't hang on Hidden, feeling important only because someone who is friends with me is incredible. My mom can't live her life through me and I can't find my greatness through my best friend. I can't collapse because I am not the most important person in his life, I can't hate myself when he is with other people.

I want him to be happy- eternally, temporally, completely- but I can't create, cause, or force that. I have to have faith that he will establish such joy for himself. I have to have faith that he has the love, power, and drive for such things. I worry that he doesn't love himself as much as he should, as much as he puts on and as much as he deserves. But if I know he is beyond amazing then I need to channel that belief into faith that he will fix these things in his own life. I need to accept that he can change his life in the way he changes the whole world for the better. That he will choose to develop an even greater love and self-esteem for himself, that he will find happiness and learn to accept love. I need to have faith that he can perfect his own life and find his own joy. I need to have faith that he doesn't need me in his life. And then I will be able to let go.

*quote from The Classic Crime, The End

The Pot of Gold

Random thought- We are taught that our weaknesses become our strengths, that we are given weaknesses to make us strong. I think homosexuality is a perfect example of this. The LDS world views homosexuality as a weakness, something that needs to be overcome, but really it is a strength. Those who are gay and Mormon develop more Christlike qualities and inspire and teach other Church members to love. It is through their perceived weakness that they become the strongest among us- regardless of what paths they choose.

I talked to my best friend today- the gay one I'm in love with. I have to face the ultimatum of getting a boy friend or losing him. Thankfully, one of my really good friends came out to me yesterday and her perspective was a huge help in understanding what my best friend feels. She lost her best friend because he was in love with her and she couldn't reciprocate. I won't lose someone I love in ways that are greater than romantic love. I won't lose the person who continually saves my life.

I am letting go and I could feel the weight lifting from me as I unloaded my thoughts on my best friend. I can't save him. That is between him and Christ. I cannot blame myself for him not being able to have a Temple marriage right now. I can't blame myself for him not being filled with peace, love, joy, and happiness. He had a vision once, of a beautiful wife that was his angel and brought him joy. I cried endlessly last summer wanting to be his angel. It is not my fault I can't fix his life and save him from all pain. His pain is not a result of my ugliness and my imperfection.

I need to get over the sexual abuse that stains my past, makes nightmares of my present, and instigates an impossible future.

I am still in love with him and I wish I could marry him. But I know that marriage to each other is not right or healthy for either of us. We both deserve more, we both deserve better. I am jealous of Serendipity, but her life is different, her relationship with her best friend is different, and the path the Lord has for her is different. Serendipity and Dichotomy have mutual love. I have dependence.

Every day I pressure my mom to get her own life, a life that is healthy and that does not orbit around me. How can I build a life on my best friend as I work to unbury myself from the foundation of my mom's life? I inflict on my best friend what my mother has inflicted on me. The desire I have for my best friend to be the only man I'm ever in love with is not fair to either of us when so much of that wanting is based on the fact that he is sexually safe. He has pushed me into a corner and I need to drop the ember of my past. I've clutched the pain of molestation for twenty years and I have to drop it or my best friend will no longer hold my hand.

I still agree with my last post, but I am trying to move on. I loved my best friend long before I was in love with him and that love will last longer the being in love. I can't wait for him, refuse to move forward, because one day he may fall in love with me the way he's fallen in love with other girls. I can't smother myself in guilt for his pain or his decisions. I can't let him be the only one. If I am healthy for him, if I stop cutting for his sake, and then my heart is sliced open by his words I have no reason to restrain myself from easing my own pain. THIS CANNOT BE. I need to be healthy for myself, maybe even for the Lord, but not for another person.

The Lord loves me as much as He loves my best friend- and even now I am crying at the unbelievability of this statement and the pain of the truth pressing on me. The only way I can truly love those who are most important to me is if I learn to love myself. I have to heal to have healthy relationships. I have to love myself in order to love my best friend. I have to accept that he deserves more than I can give him and I have to acknowledge that I am worthy of more than bequeaths.

I will not lose my best friend over my own fear, stupidity, and self-hatred. I will not injure someone I love so much just because I want to continue to harm myself. I am in a thoroughly screwed up cyclone where I am wounding my best friend as I try to save him from all the heart wrenching and unjust pain he suffers. I think I finally understand why I have to be healthy before I can help someone. Right now I am just destroying both of us.

This will not be easy or quick, but I am stepping forward.

"If you love someone, let them go."

Were the World Mine…

I would crawl deep into a cave and never come out.

I think love is stupid and ridiculous. Why the hell are we supposed to search for partners (gay/straight whatever)? There is no reason we can't be healthy and independent without a significant other. Who said that we need boyfriends or girlfriends, all we should need are friends! Partnered love is pointless and I don't understand the necessity of it.

Why on earth would I want to become close to someone, share my physical space, life, emotions, lips with them just so we could break up and get close to someone else? It's obtuse. All I should need is plutonic friends, the Lord, and myself.

Sex is literally effing stupid and should go screw itself. I'm joining a convent! One that practices flagellation.

“Stuck Between Sleep and Awake”

I am supposed to be free and able to live my own life. But I have one friend in a miserable marriage, my best friend who's suffered desolately, and a mother who only has me in the world. I want to help lift everyone up, so why can't I save myself? I received some wonderful comments on my last posts, and I am so appreciative of them, but my face turned red and my heart shut off as my head muttered, "no, no I am not all those things, not filled with that goodness." Why the hell do I continue to hate myself so much when I am flooded with evidence that I am not horrible, ugly, and a chore to be around? Why won't I embrace the person everyone else sees in me?

I am in a blender with three blades. The first is the disparity between the Church and justice for gays, another blade is my past and sharp thoughts of myself, the third spinning scalpel being in love with my best friend. I'm only going to address the first one now, but the other posts will come. All of these spears are multifaceted, toxic, crucial, and self destroying.

Scott made some great comments on my 'G-d Damned' post and many of them make sense, but there are still so many unanswered questions. Is a gay marriage any more of a sin than a straight marriage performed outside of the Temple? Are we really asked to follow the prophets even if their humanism has spurred some of their policies? I think deep inside I know that we are expected to follow the word of the Lord as revealed through His leaders. So even though we lack G-d's words on homosexuality do we believe the laws that are currently in force?

If the Church is true, if there is a Heavenly Father and a plan, a Savior and Atonement, then there is sacrifice and reward, unimaginable reward overcompensating for excessive agony. I can't base my testimony on what I want to be true. I can't lose my faith in what pulled me away from my beloved Judaism because I don't want man to suffer for seeking the pleasures his natural body craves.

I'm sorry, I am so sorry, and I am so sick, but I know. I believe. The spirit that I feel tells me there is one path and one way. The truth that I want so much to walk away from and never return to pounds the law of chastity into my aching soul. Please forgive me, but I believe that there is more happiness and joy in the Gospel than outside of it. I believe there is more peace in following the commandments and entering the Temple. I am crying and I am remorseful that I have to take this step. This is what my heart says. There is more in this stupid, uptight, pain inflicting Gospel than in the apparently free and just world. We are all asked to make sacrifices, I truly believe that the Lord wants us all to sacrifice for mixed gender marriages and keep the laws that are currently on the books. I know there is truth and peace in the Temple and peace through the covenants.

Do I believe people who don't follow the Gospel are going to hell? No (well maybe those who continue to hate and shun and judge), but not G-d's children that try. Not His children that LOVE. Do I think there will be reconciliation? Yes, I am wretched to say this, I am sorry, but yes I think there will have to be repentance and pain for actions that break the covenants we have promised to keep. Do I believe that G-d loves ALL His children EQUALLY? Yes. Do I believe that He would rather have His sons and daughters loving themselves and others than despising their own bodies and contemplating suicide? Yes. Do I believe that not engaging in sex outside of marriage and not engaging in homosexual relationships brings saints closer to G-d? In most cases, I'd have to say yes. But there is not hell and damnation for those who choose otherwise. Just reconciliation. And I am regretful. I am forlorn I have to unbury my testimony and step away from the path that I want to be on, away from the things that I want to believe.

I don't know if homosexuality is eternal. I don't know if gay relationships are eternally wrong (I tend to think they may not be). I was really hit by Scott's point that perhaps G-d didn't want straight men to lie together (as the Romans did). Or that He wanted to keep the Israelites separate (which means as a Jew I shouldn't go off having sex with girls- too bad) :P But for whatever reason, I believe we are told to follow the prophets (and maybe it has nothing to do with gay relationships being evil, but a sacrifice we don't understand or a mistake the innocent will be blessed for as all those wrongfully killed for their religious beliefs throughout history who were automatically saved and their murders were condemned for their own sins). Maybe those who come out harshly against homosexuality of their own will shall face the consequences while gays who suffer at their hands are instantly saved.

Do I think celibacy and mixed orientation marriages are the answer? Maybe. The Lord promises us peace in keeping His commandments- even those commanded by current prophets. I know Heavenly Father will implausibly bless those who stay on the path and that He will bless those who sacrifice and struggle to keep His commandments. I know He wants all His children home, regardless of their actions. I know there is mercy and love. I honestly believe we can ALL be saved, that He wants us ALL saved, but I believe we will each have to repent of our sins to attain that salvation. As I apologize again, I do think that a sin is breaking the commandments as they are currently set forth- no matter how ridiculous they seem.

What I've tried to run away from and what I've buried my testimony to hide from is my belief that those who participate in homosexual activity will eventually have to repent. I'm sorry. Even if gay relationships aren't eternally wrong, we are told at this time that we should not engage in them and we are told to follow the laws of our times, not the laws of past or future eras.

I still think gay marriage should be legal. I still KNOW sexual orientation is not changeable and it is not a choice. I don't know if I believe homosexual sex is wrong, or if it is just something the Lord is not allowing right now. I am still going to Pride on Sunday. I still believe a sin is a sin and all those saints who judge others will have their own hard core repentance process some day.

I am sorry I have to find myself and return to the narrow path.

To G-d:

Give me wings, give me peace
These are the things that I need
I'm tormented, broken, and shamed
Are you listening?

And give me shelter from the storm
I know it's a lot to ask for considering how recent I've piled the dirt on your name

Are you listening?

I have heard that winter's cold will give way to summer's warmth
Oh no! Like salt in the snow,
I'm melted and left all alone on the side of the road

Is this where I am for your sake?
Stuck between sleep and awake
My mind is dreaming of things
Are you listening?

I took you for granted again
And threw you aside and pretended for one minute that I had control of my life and direction-- it seemed to be "in"
I was wrong again

And I will wait for you to come again
And I can't pretend like I'm confident
And I can't pretend like it makes much sense when it doesn't

-The Classic Crime, Salt in the Snow